Excel Queen

Data Model Template - Excel spreadsheet
Originally uploaded by Ivan Walsh

Once upon a time in a company far, far away, I bestowed upon myself the title "Excel Queen." I did not think that I was of royalty, but I did work on spreadsheets for the most part of my day.

Fast forward to this time and this company and I still spend a great deal of my time on Microsoft Excel. Today I have been staring at those cells for so long I think I'm going to explode. It's close to impossible for me to do anything else productive. I just feel like time is moving sooooo slowly and even though I have spent a good deal of time working, it's like I'm not closer to being finished.

I really want today to be over.

Traffic & Such

I HATE traffic! Having lived in southern California for years (especially in LA County) I have come to know that traffic is as inevitable as superficial people, smog, and wildfires. Howevver, knowing this does not decrease my level of frustration for all these, least of all traffic. Everytime I'm sittting in traffic, I see the time moving by on the clock and I feel like I am wasting my life away. For example, I left work at 4:20 pm. My boyfriend lives 10 minutes away via freeway. All this in mind, it took me 30 minutes to get to his house.

30 MINUTES!!!

I usually go to his place everday. Do the math and that comes out to 2 hours and 30 minutes a week! Which is 10 hours a month or 120 hours a year!! Thats not even counting the extra time spent in traffic when I leave after 5pm!

So, when I'm sitting in traffic I feel like I should be multi-tasking or something so that I am not wasting 120 hours a year. Now, I do not do things like read a paper but there have been instances where I think up new story ideas or blog entries such as this one. Today, I figured out how to select multi-media messages on my new phone.

Its time such as these when I think of Peter Griffin from Family Guy. He made a little song that went something like this:

"They should make a tube that sends you straight to work. It would be really cool but that'll be alot of tubes."

Maybe he was onto something with that whole tube idea...

~Posted From My Samsung Jack

Obama, Kanye, and Who Cares

Mario Question Mark Block Tissue Cover
Originally uploaded by lost_mitten

Top News Story of Today: Audio recording of President Obama calling Kanye West a "jackass"

Really? This is the best that the news corporations could come up with as far as news is concerned?

Granted Kanye did something very disrespectful. He apologized all over the place even calling the girl to apologize. Taylor Swift accepted. That should be the end of the story.

But nooooooooooo.

Now we have to hear about how the President made some comments about the situation and so on and so forth.

Did people forget there's a nation-wide health care plan that is currently up for debate? Or that murders are being committed everyday in various parts of the world, that children are dying of AIDS, unemployment rates are still at an all time high, and that there are American soldiers in Afganistan and Iraq?

I guess I'm one of the few who thinks about these "petty" issues.

Cabrillo

I didn't even know there was a decent beach in San Pedro. Then I went to Cabrillo. There was grassy areas for picnics (where I did indulge in a pastrami sandwhich) sandy shores for castles and beyond the rocks a vast green of sea. I couldn't help but to hike up my dress and begin climbing through the rocks. After I had my fill of rock climbing, I watched the waves crash upon the shore.

I have always been a water person. One of the most relaxing things to me is staring at the water. As I stood there watching the tide come in, I forgot about all the things that usually plague my waking thoughts. Instead, I was entranced by the mighty sea.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Busy Minds Have Less Time to Ponder

Minnie Lisa
Originally uploaded by FrogMiller

I go from blogging multiple times a day to once in a blue moon? What's wrong with me??


Well, lately I've just been really living life. Reading, and writing (still trying to finish that book by the end of the month, about 2 weeks to go) and getting adjusted to the new job.

I've also taken to going to Disneyland and California Great Adventure. I've gone a couple of times already and I still have one more day. I am definitely looking forward to that. It has been so much fun going to Disney that I am seriously considering getting a year pass. Although, I always said I could not bring myself to pay that much for Disney, I have to admit that the monthly payment plan does not look so bad.

My birthday is coming up in less than a week. It's not that not that big of a deal to me, and I think that's because I haven't been planning anything. I have left that to those who wanted to take over that task this year.

Drama, dram, drama. What would my life be without the drama? Alot easier I bet! However, what can I do when people want to be difficult or act like they're still in jr high? Time has gone by, we are not 12 so start acting your age, but whatever. That's all I am going to say about that.

Work is going pretty well. It has been a rough week, but it's almost over. Right now I am ready to lie down for a nap. Trying to not let this sickness win.

~~

Navigator Ned!

Our pseudo Jamaican compliance mascot!

~Posted From My BlackJack II

Week One

Chocolate Covered Sunflower Seeds (64/365)
Originally uploaded by kimberlyfaye

This has been the first week of my new job as a legal assistant. It has been very interesting and not as stress-ridden as it would have been had I stayed at MM. However, it's always hard in the beginning to get the hang of a new atmosphere. There are things to learn, people to figure out which in and of itself can be pretty draining inspite of the light workload.

It's also been different in that this is the first time that I ever worked for the same company as my sister. The very first day I came in there were many exclamations of how we looked so much alike. I'm on day four and I have to admit that has already gotten super old. If I never have to hear that again it would be too soon.

I have started decorating my work space a little. Since it's my first week, my attorney has decided to take it slow with me so that I can get settled in and as such I've had time to do things like pick out a desk top on my computer, print out and arrange several pictures around my cubicle. It's actually pretty nice.

All in all I really like where I am at right now. I'm very blessed to be here and coming from my last job I'm very appreciative of certain little things that others take for granted. Like the stack of legal pads that I found on my desk =)

~~

Jamba Means Happy!

My latest craving has been Jamba Juice. Move over black coffee!

~Posted From My Black Jack II

A Mile in New Shoes

Tomorrow is the first day of my new job. It's really weird to me. I still have thoughts as if I was going to work at MM. I found myself thinking i should stop at the WalMart on Beach after work.

However, that trip is no longer on my way back home.

Yesterday, I bought these shiny black pumps specifically for this job. Yet, pointy toe shoes need to be broken in and having only 2 days, Ruben fitted water bottles in the shoes so that they could loosen up a bit.

I just finished filling out a stack of paperwork I'm suppose to bring with me tomorrow. It still doesn't feel real to me.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Coming Soon...

Went back to working on my flowery hair clips. Originally, I wanted to make these so I could have severao clips formy hair. However, I was soon convinced that I could try putting a few up for sale. We'll see how this goes.

~Posted From My Blac Jack II

Sacrafice for One's Craft

I burnt my finger working on a huge clip.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Last Day

Poster for my good bye party.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Last Day

A Good-Bye Cupcake

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Fortune Cookie

I've been noticing this fortune that I had pinned to my cubicle long ago...

You are heading in the right direction...

I hope so.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Davita Company Picnic

It has been sometime since I've been to a company picnic.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Day Out

Today was my first work reduction day off. In order to aid the company during these rough economic times, every person (nonsalary) is required to take off one day with no pay. For me today was that day.

I am happy to say that I throughly took advantage of the day. After an impromptu run this morning (thanks to me forgetting about street sweeping) I got up for breakfast, and headed to the Santa Fe Springs Swapmeet. When we discovered it was closed, I suggested the Roadium. I had not been there in years.

At the Roadium we listened to various Michael Jackson songs, searched through stacks and stacks of vinyls, bought a bag of my favourite Mexican candy (verros fresa) and considered buying atari. This among other typical market thing.

I tried something called Tostilocos. It was ok. I thought it had calamari but it was pork rinds, which one wouldn't think it looked similar, but trust me......

Then as our shopping came to a close we found these cool bracelets. The picture above shows the bracelet I bought us.

After the Roadium it was time to stop by Guitar Center. I played the acoustic guitar of my dreams (Fender Telecaster) and tested out a few other instruments.

Then I had Yogurtland for the 2nd consecutive day.

So much in one day. It was incredible! Now it's time to wind down in preperation for tomorrow. Back to the grind.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

There is No Death

Clean Energy
Originally uploaded by imagonovus

It's interesting what thoughts may come to you as a result of working at your local coffee shop. As I sat to work on my most recent book I overheard a man tell a group sitting with him that there was no such thing as death.

The more I thought about this, the more I realized that it is true.

Now before anyone starts to assume that I might be changing in my religious or spiritual beliefs, I must assure everyone that this view is truly in keeping in my Christian views. In fact, it is this same set of values that have led me to find this statement as true.

Most world religions hold that there is some form of life after death. All religions Abrahamic in origin believe in some sort of spiritual realm in which the soul resides upon death. Most eastern religions believe in the transference of the soul whether it be in re-incarnation or in the arrival of enlightenment. However, what does the phrase "life after death" truly mean?

Those who believe in this experience (for lack of a better word) believe that when the physical bodies ceases to function another element within us continues. Some refer to this element as a soul, spirit, or essence. The belief that this element cannot die but rather moves to another "level " is referred to as life after death. However, if this spirit cannot die then is not the phrase "life after death" in a way sort of oxymoronic?

The belief that there is a spiritual life that continues upon the passing of our physical body, would mean that life continues. In short, there is no death. Dictionary.com defines death as "...the act of dying; the end of life; the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism." If the soul continues then does that not mean life does not end? As such what exactly would death mean?

There are those who believe that when the body no longer functions life has ended. These same individuals do not necessarily believe in a soul. Without a belief in a spirit then one can only ascertain that death is the end. This is truly sad to me. To believe that "life" as we know it on this plane is all that there is can be nothing short of tragic. No higher power controlling keeping things in line. Some may say that it's very liberating. To know that your decisions are yours to make and that there is no one "watching over you in the skies." So your lot is cast? Everything happens with no rhyme or reason?

Again, to me this is truly sad.

One person described life as data on a computer. Once you're done with the computer you can still use that data on another computer. Another individual tried to correct him by pointing out that data is inserted on the computer. That no outside source created that data.

I think he was wrong.

In that scenario there is an outside source that created the data. Man. As such the individual proposing this metaphor could be correct to a certain extent.

Instead I would suggest that life is more like energy. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy cannot be created or destroyed. My understanding of this law is that energy continues to be. It is there but simply transfers from one form into another. When a car is moving and the driver slams their breaks the car stops. However, the car will jerk with the energy previously ex-pulsed by the car driving down the road. In turn the driver of the car will jerk forward and backward as the energy is transferred from the tires to the car to that individual.

So where does that energy go once the individual and the vehicle have come to a complete stop?

The unseen molecules are still in motion, still hovering around those bodies as potential energy. This is evident in the fact that once that driver moves and transfers energy from his foot to the gas pedal which in turn transfers energy to the engine which means the car is once again in movement. That energy had to be around in order for this chain of events to occur.

In this same manner I see life. Upon the passing of our bodies our life is transferred, from this realm into the next. Understanding that there is no death does not mean I do not grieve at the passing of one's physical body. I grieve because they are no longer here with us. Just as I was saddened to find that Michael Jackson would no longer be able to perform, that I will never live my dream of performing with him on a stage. I grieve when I realize that as much as I loved my uncle and how he would have gotten along wonderfully with my boyfriend, he would not be able to join us for a family dinner.

However, I must admit that there is some consolation in knowing that one day I will see him again. When my life is transferred from here to there.

~~

A Look Back at Night

While going through an old blog of mine I came across this entry. It was written right after I finished reading Elise Wiesel's Night. One of the comments I received was that "this rant was one of (my) best ever." If that's the case I figured it was worth reposting. Although, a few of my views have changed the overall feel of the entry is the same.

~~~


Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Night
Current mood: thoughtful
It's 4:41am. I should be asleep having just got out of work at 1. But I finished a book I bought today and my head is dull of thoughts and my heart heavy, and I wanted to share all that is going through me.

The Book is entitled Night by Elie Wiesel.

I know I should explain who Elie Wiesel is but I can not at this moment. Because biographies are not what motivate me to write at his hour. Book reports are not pushing me to stay awake and think when I should be sleeping. So I want to apologize now, if this seems like a rant or makes little sense. Look up Mr. Wiesel and you'll understand.

How silly my worries seem. How trivial at this moment. Its not bills or the fear of failure that will haunt my dreams tonight. But the faces of those described who died on their way to crematoriums. Children being tossed in flames. Some might say: "Phoebe you should have warned us that this blog would be explicit." But why? Why should we cover our eyes and ears to the reality of suffering of the past? If an entire nation of people can be the victims of such carnage, is it really so hard to think that there are many suffering today?

This has been pulling at my heart for days. As I ask God why is it that the richest nation in the world should have homeless wandering the streets. Why are the elderly so soon forgotten after the years they spent building this nation, fighting in wars, and paying taxes? Don't their dreams matter anymore? When did this nation become like the young man in the book so starved that he beat his own father for a crust of bread? And the reality is that we are not starved! We are not in desperate conditions. We have simply made it not our problem.

It sickens me to think that we can look down at people who beg, to immediately associate the hungry with the drug addicts, and the con artists. Our cycnicism sickens. And my own....because I could easily say to everyone for my birthday donate to a shelter, lets do community work instead of going to Disneyland and yet even my own selfishness keeps me from this and I am ashamed.

Elie Wiesel survived Auschwitz and helped keep his father alive for as long as possible until his death. Mr. Wiesel's age: 16.

Since I first read Number The Stars in 5th Grade I have continued to study the Holocaust and the atrocities therein. From Schindler's List to Words To Outlive Us, I read and I cry and I want to close my eyes but I force myself to keep reading. I have even tried to put on events to remind people of this tragedy in history, but people want to just close these books. But NO!!!!! Because if we don't remember the faults of yesterday, we will not be able to forsee the signs of their reoccurence.

To my friends in the Muslim faith I have not forgotten you. I relate stongly to Judaism because it is the root of my Chrisitan faith, but I have not forgotten, how the peaceful words of the Qur'an have been torn and slandered and held as an excuse, a banner for violence. I feel your pain, for it was the butchered words of the Bible that was used as the reasoning for the extermination of so many lives.

There is no faith that teaches violence. The Torah, Qur'an, Bible all tell us to love our neighbors and take care of each other. So why is it that there is still hunger? Still Poverty? Still such disregard for human suffering? Its not just those in power. Politicians, and generals are not to blame. Its the everyday man and woman. Its the part of us that looks the other way when someone asks for change. The part of us that turns up our ipods to drown our their cries. We say our prayers for the sick,destitute, and weary but God has given us the means! We just have to be willing to find them. We just have to be willing to accept them. We just have to be willing.

I don't know what happens from here. I don't know where I will go from here. Some of you might have read all of this. Some of you might have seen the length and skipped it. I might not get a single comment. I don't care. There are those who post pictures of war torn countries on their site. Those who have links to websites. All I have is this. Maybe some will forget about this blog. Please don't. If anything take this with you from this long rant. We must not make ourselves immune to the plight of others, from children in far away thir world nations to our neighbor who cannot pay rent. Our ignorance does not eliminate the problem. Ponder that and hold it to your hearts, because you and I may be the means, God's answer to someone's prayers.

~Matthew 5:9~

"An Injustice Anywhere Is An Injustice Everywhere" - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Thanks Patti's Mom!!

I had the stranges craving for popcorn with parmsean cheese. This was probably due to boredom and the fact that I'm going through that wonderful time....

In any case I told my friend Patti and she said we should do it. We should go get some popcorn from the breakroom.

However, I did not have parmesan cheese.

Then Patti breaks out some packets of parmesan cheese.

So thanks to Patti's mom, who told Patti to bring these packets to work in case she needed them....

we are now enjoying popcorn with parmesan cheese.

Good stuff!!

~~

Crazy Dodger Fans

These were some of the fans encountered during my 1st ever baseball game. Dodgers v. Angels. I have to admit the players in the drama in the stands was much more interesting than the players on the field.

~Posted From My BlackJack II

Another Day at the Grind

Working for a living - 170/365
Originally uploaded by Jared G

It's pretty weird.

Work has been pretty busy for several months. Time would melt into the days and before I knew it, we were already half way through 2009.

Now things have slowed down.... ALOT.

Due to the upcoming holiday work has been slow, as it always is this time of year. Now with the introuduction of our latest systems and the addition of 3 art coordinators, time is dragging.

We have found all sorts of ways to keep ourselves busy. Constantly checking for email that is not arriving and looking for new art requests that are not being entered. It was this time last year that I found myself updating my blog on a regular basis.

Expect more of the same...

~~

Wait, So That Means (Blame it on the Bleach)

This is the conversation I had with my coworkers:

Me: So that's my new thing. The same way that Patti calls Megan a drunk, I will be saying that Patti is not a team player.

Patti: Hey!!

{PAUSE}

Patti: But wait. Megan's not really a drunk so that means...

{PAUSES and stares into }

Andrea: That means you ARE a team player.

Megan & Me: {LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY THE WHOLE TIME}

What made this incident even funnier is that after some time Steve comes by to chat with us. Instead of arguing with him about O.J Simpson I suggest re-enact this scene.

Yes, Patti. Go ahead and blame it on the bleach.

In Traffic

Left work early so that I can sit in parking lot traffic instead.



Then I saw this cool van.



~Posted From My Black Jack II

Tough Days

This has been a pretty rough day for me. One can always tell a tough day when an impending work day seems so much better by comparison. It was one of those days that I felt so alone, so angery. Yet, I was fighting to keep my emotions in check. To prevent myself from submersing myself in the grime of hatred and guilt.

This was no easy task.

I prayed and talked to a good friend who was kind enough to listen and remind me of myself. Through it all I survived.

Sometimes I just worry that I'm not strong enough. There are times when I think I can no longer endure these trials. Lots of prayer and Bible reading but I still can't shake these feelings of doubt.

So I am now lying in bed staring at the light and praying tomorrow will be a better day.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Cancelled Plans

I was talking to my co-worker and she asked me about the name of these boats. She was planning something for the guy she's dating. That's when I had the great idea to do something similar for you. So I started doing some research looking up prices and times and wondering if I should do an add-on. The pictures on the websites were really beautiful and although the price was increasing I really didn't mind because you're worth it. I was so excited that I even texted you that I had a special outing planned.

Fast forward several hours later and we're talking and you tell me that you don't want to go anywhere. That I need to save money. This irritates me to no end. Here we go again. Another plan I made and its cancelled just like that. You have no idea as to what I was doing or how much it meant to me to be able to spend this day with you.

Whatever. I'm beyond irritated. I'm hurt and you don't seem to care. So never mind. I'll get over it just like I get over every other disappointment and I'll move on from here.

I don't want to do anything anymore.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Angels & Demons on the Big Screen

Poster Angels & Demons
Originally uploaded by MyCine

When I read Dan Brown's Angels & Demons, I wrote a review on my See [Phoebe} Jane Read blog. However, this past weekend I did go and see the film. For all it's worth I think the book was so much better.

The book was so much better than the movie that when I was telling Ruben about the book he interupted me to say that the book was better.

This almost makes me want to read Michael Crichton's Jurassic Park. I never read the novel because I really loved the movie. So much so that I felt that once I read the book, I would no longer love the movie and decided I just would not read Mr. Crichton's novel. However, after seeing (once again) how much better a novel can be than a decent movie...I think I've had a change of heart.

Back to the film at hand.

Please do not mistake this for a serious movie review. I'll leave that to Megan. I'm not a film critic;n I only know what I like.
However, I think Mr. Ron Howard bit off a little more than he can chew with this one.

~~

At Work Today

evil Monkey
Originally uploaded by stephintoronto

I found this image and I could not believe it. My entire day encapsulated in one square.

Oh AE, how you pain me!

~~

Archie Gets Married!

Archie Gets Married!
Originally uploaded by Loller_Coaster

It just so happens that a few days ago, my friend Kat and I were talking about our favourite comics. Of course in both of our lists we had to add Archie.

Archie comics featured an array of characters as they lived their lives at Riverdale High. In between their wacky antics, one could also find tales of Josie and the Pussycats along with Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. Though the story lines varied, one re-occurring theme was the love triangle between Archie, Betty and Veronica.

Veronica, was the snobby, witchy (with another consonant in place of the w) rich popular girl. She always had the heart of Archie, often stringing him along through one scheme after another. However, she also constantly broke his heart, especially when she would go off with Reggie, the rich snobby popular dude.

Betty was the typical girl next door who was in love with Archie since they were kids. She would always be willing to "help" (see do) with homework, chores, and even fixing his car. Every time Veronica broke his heart, Betty was there to pick up the pieces. However, whenever Archie was all cheered up with a cookie baking project with Betty (or something to that effect) Veronica would come sashaying by and he was off once again.

With all this in mind, Archie Comics has announced that this decades long love triangle will finally be solved when Archie finally makes his choice. An article on MSNBC revealed that Archie finally drops to one knee and proposes.....to Veronica.

This infuriated not only me, but several other Archie fans. Why is it that after allow these years Archie chose the evil heart breaker or the devoted good-girl? My boyfriend and I had a long conversation over the attraction of a wild girl versus a good girl and my friend Kat tweeted that "the Bettys of the world rarely snag a guy"

A part of me feels saddened by the concept of the good girl always loses. Even the idea that once a guy is done with the bad girl he comes searching for the good girl is of little consolation. So us Bettys of the world must sit around and wait until the guy gets his head straight?

Love (in comics and in life) is so unfair.

~~

Tear Shed

Lately, it seems like I spend more time crying than anything else. Right now I'm shaking and my chest aches. Sometimes I get so tired and I wonder why I keep trying. I wonder why I keep trying to hang on to something that time after time leaves me in tears. There's no simple answers or solutions.

Just me in tears.

~Posted From My BlackJack II

Nagging Thoughts

Something has been weighing heavy on my heart and in my mind. However, right now there is nothing that I can do about these matters. A heavy feeling on my chest pushes me to want to act, but there's nothing that can be done.

I only pray for a momentary peace from these thoughst. There is a long road ahead of me and I don't want to be hounded at this time.

~Posted From My BlackJack II

All Dressed Up

On my way to one of my REAL jobs!

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Midnight Stroll (and the things I saw)

It's been a crazy past couple of months, but these last few days I find it harder and harder to hold it together. Tonight for the second night in a row I had a mini-breakdown. The anxiety and feelings of failure were just too much to bare. As I sat alone my thoughts drifted to the ocean and the calm I usually feel staring at the water. Thats when I had this crazy idea of going for a walk.

At first it was just a fleeting thought. Like wouldn't it be great to just walk until I saw the water. The more that I thought about it the better it sounded. I mean I couldn't sleep and the ocean is only a couple of well lit blocks away. Why not?

So I threw on a sweatshirt and sneakers and headed out the door. Very well aware that it was closely approaching midnight. Just stepping outside made me feel 100 times better. Knowing that soon I'll reach the water allowed me to breathe a little better. Thoughts flow through my head and I'm in and out of prayer. Talking to God and asking for answers that I don't deserve...but He gives them.

...some of them.

As I walk I hear a voice. A very angry voice. I see a man sitting outside a church. He's on the sidewalk yelling at things the rest of us can't see. It's through this man that I begin to realize once again that I'm behaving like a spoiled child. I have so much yet, I want more. This isn't all that I see.

I pass an apartment complex with a balcony and an open sliding door. That's when I remember my early college-roommate days. At that moment I would have given anything to be back on fountain street with Johanna and Elicia; complaining about classes and homework. With this in mind I fast forward to the later years and the drama and heartache I survived. Did I not make it through it?

Then I walked on past the park and remembered my last birthday which made me smile. The thought of frozen yogurt and talking under the stars.

I continued to the bench and I remember 2 couples sitting by the water. The girls giggled at their inside jokes and the boys spoke of their dreams. It seemed like yesterday but was several months ago and also seems like a lifetime ago. The 2 couples have since drifted.

Once I pass a tree I have a epifany. I take things too personally. Clients yell at me, co-workers snap at me, family members are demanding, my boyfriend cancels plans and I feel like once I again I have failed them all. Knowing this doesn't make things better. I don't know how to change the way I feel in given situations. This is just something I'll have to work on in the future.

Sitting at the bench overlooks the water and the view is great. But this isn't enough. I can hear the waves but I want more. I soon find myself searching for a way to walk by the water. I get here, walk through the sand and listen to the ocean as I watch the waves slam against the shore. The tide is rolling in.

This is alot to take in at the moment. 5 crank phone calls received on my cell, my lack of inspiration, discovering the people I envied were never happy, realizing my strengths and my weaknesses. There are those who see me as pathetic and expendable and those who have revealed their secret admiration. I've come so far but I still have a ways to go. If the past is any indication of the future, then I will overcome these obstacles in time.

To those who have to deal with me, all I ask for now is patience and prayer. I'm getting where I need to be. It's just that right now the distance I must go is quite daunting.

To those who hate me and wish me failure. Thank you because you are making me that much stronger.

Now as I leave the ocean and head back up I'm thankful for this moment. I really needed it.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Life Lessons From The Cosby Show II

Denise: I thought life was suppose to get easier as you got older.
Mom: I don't know why you thought that!

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Angry

Why is it that every weekend I have to go through such bs and such drama? I am so tired of dealing with this. I am so tired of having to second guess everything.

It all just makes me wonder if I'm making the right choice.

~Posted From My BlackJack II

Holding On

Shadow People
Originally uploaded by regismcourt

There are times when I wonder if I'm holding on to something that really isn't there.

If I have something that doesn't really belong to me.

These days are killer these instances are insane.

Should things really this hard, this complicated, and require this much patience on my part?

It's all I can do sometimes to not scream.

When I went into this, there was no way for me to know that things would be this hard.

Am I hanging onto something that isn't there?

Sometimes I think that I might have been like a starved person wandering around a desert. bMy thirst was so great that I started seeing things that really was not there.

But I always thought that in a mirage the water tasted sweeter than real water.

Then again this was really sweet too.

Maybe I'm awakening thanks to the taste of the sand.

Which leads me back to my original question...

Just what exactly am I holding ?

Lonely

It's one of those instances when I feel incredibly lonely.

There are people around me, but no one who understands how I feel or what I'm going through.

These are the times I hate the most. The days I most despise. The reason I force laughter and paste a smile on my face...

but sometimes there cracks in the facade. Cracks that I don't notice until they are pointed out. As I sit here at Barnes and Noble and a man approaches me

"I don't mean to be in your personal life, but are you ok?"

I seal those cracks and paste back on the smile.

"I'm fine"

In reality, I wish I could run away. I wish I could start my life all over. To erase the mistakes that I have made and go down a new path.

Maybe I will. Maybe a day will come when I will no longer be here.

I hear the beaches are nice in Hawaii.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Late Hours

Portfolio
Originally uploaded by Kenn Wilson

It's 10:01pm and just as I suspected I am spending this Saturday working. However, it's not exactly the type of working that I thought that I would be doing today. After more thoughts on where I see myself weeks, months, years from now, I decided that I have let too much time gone by since I have worked on anything that I am passionate about. A discussion with Ruben had me wondering if I should even continue pursuing writing anymore,

The truth is that if it came down to what I would really love to do with the rest of my life, it would not necessarily be writing....

Because music is my first love.

More thoughts on it today and I realized that I should focus my eergy on all elements of aqrtistic expression that appeals to me. Writing and music.

There are so many plans going on in my head and things that I want to do and so far the days have been going by as one long endless MM blur. However, today is the begining of the end of that.

That is why it is after 10pm and instead of going out with my sister and her friends I am sitting at Portfolios using their wireless internet to dowload the writing software that I grew to love several months ago.

Now onto the writing.

Easter Bunny

My Ferrero Rocher Bunny from Pam.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Break Out The DS

I want this!!

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Me Being a Fatty

So this is what I bought to keep myself entertained while Pam and Sebastian went on the Gold Rusher.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Favourite Quote Today...So Far

"I don't want a pokemon. Just give me a Pikachu instead."
-Pam picking a prize

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Free Refills

My 1st purchase at the park. $14 but so worth it today.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

X-sistential X-2

I'm standing in line waiting to get on a roller coaster. No, I'm not being metaphoric, not yet. I'm actually at a theme park waiting to get on X-2 ( or Viper as it says on the car. whatever) As I rode up here I couldn't help but reflect on the different times I have been to this park. Although, this park is farther away than any of the other parks in SoCal, it is the park I have come to most often.

Since I still have some time to wait I thought "why not blog?" So I will have a series of theme park entries oh you lucky readers. =)

The first time I came out here (without my parents) was with a church group. It was very weird because I was not a member of the church so I knew no one except my sister. This was my parents' bright idea. So, while my sister spent the da with people her age who loved her, I wandered the park by myself. Rejected by those in my age group.

Why?

Let's just say, the group we went with was not very...diverse.

In any case, fast forward several years and I'm in college and living with roommates. However, most of my evenings are spent in Irvine with friends. When they suggested we go to Fright Fest I was a little if-y considering my last experience at the park, but my friends assured me we would be partnered up. There was also this guy that I kind of like who would be my "ride buddy" It was alot more fun than my 1st experience.

Fast forward a couple more years. I hang out with a different crowd, more involved with the school, and working hard to finish. I'm dating a younger guy and I come to the park with him, my closest friend, her boyfriend and my buddy Oscar. Things are kind of strained between my friend and I, but I chalk it up her just dealing with life and other personal issues. She assures me that she's fine and so I trust things will be ok. My date is scared of rides. He screams like a girl and gets made fun of by little kids. This isn't too bad this just means someone holds my bag while I ride with Oscar. During the trip the park loses electricity and we're all asked to leave. As we walk out, we're each handed free tickets to return on another day. The free passes are good undil December 31 of that year.

About 8 months later and it's the end of the year. The season passes and free passes from months ago are on the brink of expiration. I plan a spur of the moment trip so the tickets do not go to waste but the line up has changed. That friend months ago is no longer a part of my life, the result of a bitter faling out. The guy dated is now my boyfriend, but I was't happy. The sweet gestures and compliments have turned into negative remarks about my weight and disapproving glares. However, I figured things would get better. So our altered group (Oscar, Maria, bf, Don and I) all head out to the park. Initially, the plan was to go early in the morning bt after a leisure luncheon at one of our favourite Asian restaurants we headed towards Valencia. We were caught in rush hour traffic so that when we arrived the sun was coming down. I still have pictures from this outing my smile belies my true feelings of that day. The constant fat comments pulled me into an unexpected depression. The closing of that year...

That was years ago, and here I am now. My life is just as different now as it was in every other instance that I have come to this park. The old bf is long gone, and the current one has an interesting set of circumstances. Despite my occassional reservations, truth be told I know that he loves me and I love him. So I weather this ride with it's loops and twirls even though it's scary sometimes.

I also work full time for an advertisng company and I still have artistic aspirations. At this point in my life I am more self-sufficient and self-relient than I have ever been in the past. Maria's circumstances have changed, and Oscar's still around but this time I came without either of them.

So what was the purpose of this long winding entry aside from killing 2 hours while I waited for X2? Just reflecting on the changes in my life, and the hurdles I have crossed. I now realize after seeing how far I've come that the current obstacles I face are not insurrmountable.

With all this in mind it's time for me to climb aboard and hold on for another ride ;)

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Are You Type X?

They asked this question while in line...

~Posted From My Black Jack II

In My Car

I feel so drained that I don't even have the energy to get out of my car and walk inside.

Right now I'm sitting in the driver seat with the seatbelt on just watching cars zoom towards their destinations. Believe it or not Monday was a much better day. Today is closer to the weekend but that means nothing to me because I feel so tired and week and in a fog.

Right now I'm praying things will get better but who knows.

I really should go inside.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Discourage

I wish I could be a kid again, when anything and everything seemed possible.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

MM Tears

I'm so tired but unlike yesterday, I can't sleep. Instead I'm sitting in bed in tears. How did I get to this point? How did I get to the point where I'm working so hard at a job where I'm not appreciated? When I work 12 hours to no avail?

Not once as a child did I ever say I want to grow up and be a low paid, work horse. Yet, here I am. As my co-workers say too me "you're so lucky you get to work overtime" Really? Lucky? Oh, I'm sorry that I'm expected to do whatever it takes to get work done while you hangout on myspace.

It's just one of those days.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Under My Skin

I went to the evening service tonight at Calvary Chapel South Bay. A part of me wanted to go home as I had just gotten off work, but I knew I needed to go.

It had been a very stressful day. I went to work yesterday as well. At my job systems were failing and work was piling up. On Friday I had lost my badge so I was at the mercy of coworkers to get into the breakroom and such.

Things were moving right along until my 5th hour. Not eating had caught up to me and my anemia was kicking in. Not only was I hungry but I also felt weak. When I get to that point I usually have very little patience for people's garbage. It was at this time that a particular person decided to start sending me horrible text messages. I responded when I knew very well I should have just let her to be nasty.

My response resulted in a slew of more messages. I should have just ignored her, bt I was hungry, weak, angry that I felt obligated to work over the weekend and it was more than I felt I can take. So I fired back and the ensuing messages left me even more drained.

Rushed to church after work, longing for strength to get me through the week, patience to deal with others and overall spiritual uplifting. During the last part of the service, Pastor Steve spoke of Issac and the men who treated him badly then came back acting like "friends." Instead of turning them away, Issac offerred them dinner, and was blessed with working wells as a result.

The pastor ended the service by reminding us not to let others get under our skin. To rise above those who try to tear us down, and to be a blessing to everyone around us. The message resonated with me and I'm thankful that I went to church. It's not easy always trying to be the bigger person, but we must.

I just have to keep praying that I will not allow the negativity, bitterness and antagonization of others draw me into their mire of misery.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Another Instance

I fall asleep and dream. When I wake I'm confused as to whether I am actually lying in bed or at work.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Baked Spicy Lobster Roll

Roll #2 for Me

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Still Sick

I was reading some journal entries from a year ago. What's crazy is that I was sick a year ago.

I haven't been writing, which is really bad. Although, I was really inspired yesterday, I dissolved in a fit of coughs.

I really want to get better. I can't afford to keep taking time off.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Love According to The Cosby Show

"It's loving somebody's weaknesses as well as their strength's...When infatuation wears off that's when real love begins."
--Claire Huxtable

I first heard Claire's explanation of love as a little girl and it stuck with me. Now as an adult I not only understand this statement but to a certain extent, I agree.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Burger Mission

I'm at the Golden Burger, taking a chance with burgers. This is all thanks to Megan who had a Tweet abt waiting for her dad's burgers. Reading that got me on a craving.

So, I head over to this corner burger place which is located literally a couple of houses away from my apt. It is also the inspiration for a scene in one of my short stories. I have tried several items on the menu and they were not that great. Now I'm trying the item they are named for...

Burger rating: It's ok. I asked for no onion but there were still onions in the burger. Onions make me feel sick and now I don't feel so well.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Haribo Happy Cola

It started several months ago. I was at WalGreens when I noticed that Haribo Gummi Bears and Happy Colas were on sale for $1 each. As I sat with Ruben we munched on gummies and shared stories about candy.

Another night I felt like gummies and I had run out. So, the next night I was out I ran to the drug store and bought a couple of packages. That night as I waited for Ruben to get out of practice, my best friend Amanda I cracked jokes about gummis.

Since then I started craving Happy Colas as a pick me up. Even now I have just bought another bag instead of cold meds.

This may not be a good thing.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

This Past Week

I think this picture best sums up my life this past week. I haven't been feeling well at all. I have been in the hospital for everything from chest pains to a cold. As for work, I went twice last week.

When it's just me I have a tendency not to eat when I'm sick but my boyfriend pushed me to eat on a more regular basis. (I say more because some days I only ate once a day)

Now it's Sunday and I plan on resting to get well enough for work tomorrow. Waiting for the Chinese food for my sister and me, just so I can take some medicine.

I still have church this evening, but if I'm still coughing really hard then I won't be able to go. Otherwise, they'll have me in the Overflow Room.

I am happy that Blooger is accepting my mobile posts again. Tried going back to Tumblr and Myspace, but mobile blogs there are not the same. They run the entries as one long paragraph.

Back to waiting for Chinese food while I watch the Cosby Show.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Hopefully...

my mobile Blogger is working again.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Tacos

would be nice right now. It's sad that I turn to food in these times, but I've only had abt 300 calories (at most) for the day.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Right Now...

I'm sitting in the car trying to take a small break.

I feel so down.

One tends not to feel at their best when a client curses them out.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Nightmare

I just had the worse dream ever.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Right Now...

my chest hurts again. God answers prayer but the truth is hard to bear sometimes. I just pray tomorrow will be a better day.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Lately

when I'm upset I get chest pains. As I feel the pain magnify it becomes harder to breathe.

It's been like this for over a week now.

Usually I'll have a good cry, then it's over.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Sometimes

I wish I could be someone else somewhere else.

This is one of those times.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Out of Steam

Loco yard at night 2
Originally uploaded by Terry Wha

Work has been crazy these last several weeks.

After the latest round of layoffs things were hectic as assigned tasks were shifted and duties rearranged. However, there was a period of calm that hit for a bit that first week of February.

I should have known it was only the eye of the storm.

In the last 2 weeks (this week and last week) one of our biggest regions deadlined and pandamonium reigned. Especially once our clients realized that their dealine was right after a holiday (President's Day) and the art center would be closed.

As such I came in to work on Sunday for 4 hours to eleviate the pressures of Tuesday. Almost every single day I have stayed late for atleast an hour if not more (with the exception of Wednesday thanks to a dental visit) Even as I write this blog I am coming up on the 2 hour mark of overtime.

Actually, I'm ready to go home. Just waiting on one last client.

Don't know how much longer I can continue this way. I'm really trying, but I'm just running out of steam. It's getting hard for me to focus. I feel lethargic and I just don't have the energy to do anything else when I get home...but eat and that's not good.

Well, I better get back to work so I can leave.

~~

Down With The KiNG

Down With The KiNG
Originally uploaded by loner17

This is a test blog for my friend Steve. Lets hope it doesn't work.

~~

Todays Mission

Yesterday, I was on a quest for sushi. Today, I need to get my netbook fixed.

Here's hoping for the same success as yesterday.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Sushi Success

After months of craving sushi, I finally got some!!

I met up with Jeff in Orange County before I went to do some work at Money Mailer (and yes I am perfectly aware that today was Sunday)

Thanks Jeff! Maybe next time you should get the Rainbow Roll =)

~~

Sushi

I have been craving sushi for months now. It is my goal to get sushi today, even if that means I have to go by myself.

~ Posted From My Black Jack II

Late Night Blog Entry

It's one of those nights were I cannot sleep because I have so may thoughts swimming around my head...and also because I fell asleep at abt 8:45 and woke up at midnight.

Unlike other nights I'm not anxious just thoughtful.

I have to admit I did accomplish something today.

I got a new dvd player to replace the broken one. If one does not have cable, then they should atleast have a dvd player.

and several seasons of their favourite shows.

~ Sent From My Black Jack II

How Much Do I Love Thee?

I remember as a child comparing with my siblings and friends the "amount" of love we had. There were rare occasions where we would argue our love for a particular individual, but usually we were talking about who loved peanut butter sandwiches or Nintendo or cartoons more. These conversations were so serious at the time, but would end with us dissolving in laughter.....or yelling so loud that our parents had to come in and quiet us down.

Years have passed and I would like to think that I have learned a little more about love since then. I now know that love cannot be measured in measuring cups or buckets or however I thought that love was measured as a child. I still remember one of my favourite films (Who framed Roger Rabbit) in which Roger Rabbit writes a letter to his love and he asks "how much do I love you? let me count the ways." He then proceeds to begin counting as he jumps up and down on a bed...and continues counting.


So love isn't measured in cups,feet, miles or how high you can recite your numerics. Then how do you measure love? How do you know just how much you love someone? Or how much someone loves you?

I had my suspicions and they were confirmed tonight.

As I sat there and looked into the eyes of one that I already knew that I loved. We talked and I saw the tears filling those brown eyes and I then knew how you measure love.

It's an indescribable measurement, not found on any ruler or tape measurer. Even as I sit here and think on it I cannot put into the words how at that moment I knew that no matter what happened or what road this individual chose to take that I had finally experienced a love that I never thought I would. How do I describe the stabbing pain I felt in my chest at seeing those tears, how the walls began to close in on me, how I was short of breath and tried so hard not to let all this show? How at that moment I wanted nothing more than to internalize his pain and absolve it all within myself, to wipe it all away and make it better or that even at this moment while sitting in a crowded Starbucks that I'm starting to sniffle and tear up as I recount it all?

How much do I love thee?

So much that I would pull down every star from their place in the heavens, as cheesy as it would sound. So much so that I would swallow your pain and never once complain. To see you hurt tears at my heart, every fiber of my soul begins to tremble and ache at the painful journey that you were forced to embark upon and my own problems become so insignificant.

Yet, with all this I must face the reality that the end of your misery may be the end of the bond between you and me.

Although, I should hope that this may never be.

This is how one measures love.

~~

Soups, Salads, and Soul Searching

Souplantation
Originally uploaded by Maybe Lately

Nothing like an evening out with friends to quell any and all worries regarding one's current career.

Or to commiserate about such worries.

What started out as a simple meal to catch up turned into a relationship pow-wow of sorts. Not that I am some type of relationship expert by an sense of the phrase, but I was willing to give my point of views when asked by a friend. However, the conversation did not consist solely of relationship how to and advice. There was also the discussion of our livelihoods and the lives we live compared to that of my parents.

Confused? Well, allow me to explain.

I am currently 25. (If you don't believe me, I have i.d to prove it.) At 25 my parents had careers, 2 children, a home, my mother had come from another country and earned her citizenship here.

What do I have to show for 25?

No children (Praise God) working in a company where I wonder if today will be the day that I am laid off, and still trying to9 figure out what exactly I want to do with the rest of my life.

As I discussed these concerns with my sister after dinner I came to the conclusion that this is not entirely my fault. 10 years ago (as I sat through class my last year in Sicily) I had no way of knowing that I would be spending my mid-late 20s in a recession seized economy. There was no way I could prepare myself for hearing about educated individuals fighting for jobs that pay $7 and hour at a local Kohls. Had I known this, there was probably not much I could do to prepare myself for my present situation, except maybe think more about what I really wanted to spend my life doing.

Granted, I know that I am extremely blessed. Although, it may be inevitable, I have yet to be laid off. I just finished reading an incredible book by Jennifer Lancaster called Bitter is the New Black (look for my book review to be posted soon.) and there is an instance where her husband forfeits his medication for groceries. I have yet to reach this stage of rock bottom. There are times where I complain about my "inadequate" pay while families are struggling to get by on less than $10000 a year.

Don't get me wrong. I am very grateful.

However, I just wish I was a little more prepared. Like if I had a plan mapped out and I knew that I am headed in the right directions.

I'm at the point right now, where I feel so discouraged that I don't even have the motivation to try to remedy my current situation. Sadly, I got pretty comfortable at my current positions, although, I am blatantly taken for granted time and time again.

There have been other positions that I have been told about and I have not even mustard up the courage to doll up my resume.

I truly believe it's that fear of failure creeping in, but what can I do? My old adage of better to not try than to try and fail has held me back from attempting so many of my "frivolous" dreams.

Now is the time for me to get off the pot and get it together. The past couple of years have flown by, the next thing I know I will be 30...

I would like to think that by then I could afford such niceties as planning a yearly vacation with no problems, and working in a field that I love.

~~

Bigger Bed

Last night was the first night in a while that I had stayed at home. It was nice to be in my own (bigger) bed with the satin sheets and 3 blankets to keep me warm. So nice that I missed church this morning, but I'll go this evening.

Despite all the benefits of sleeping in my own bed, there is a downside....

~Posted From My Black Jack II