The Road Traveled

Richtersveld Mountains
Originally uploaded by Martin_Heigan

Another one of those days....

When the phone keeps ringing and the emails are incessant and I really don't have much time to sit and think, but the time I do spend thinking I realize maybe thats not the best thing for me right now.

A friend of mine recently said to me via instant message:

You always say no worries...you are so strong but we both know you can't be strong all the time...

Maybe she's right, but really what can I do? As I sit here at a job that I do not enjoy, in a situation that I cannot change at the moment...

And little things appear to be insurmountable and I snap at the people that I love (sorry :() but I guess sometimes when you have to keep everything inside....

I have no excuses, and I have no answers...again.

It's just the road I travel

~~

25 on the 25th

Fender Guitar
Originally uploaded by Mercury State

It's a good thing I'm not a numerologist or anything of that sort or I would be tripping out about the dates and events that have occured this month.

25 on the 25th....

8/18/08....

In any case, yesterday was my birthday and although the thought of becoming another year older is not the most exhilirating thing, the fact that I had the day off made it all the better.

The night before I finally sent out the evite for my birthday. Atleast I sent it out to anyone whose email I had on hand. There are some people who I am still hunting up contact info. After finishing up this task I had time to just relax until I met up with my boyfriend for frozen yogurt from YogurtLand which we enjoyed on a "banig" by the beach. Since we met up so late we were together at midight and I got ribbed for becoming "sooo old" until I reminded my dear boyfriend that he is still older than me =)

Right before we went home I got my birthday present. It has something to do with the picture attached to this entry...

On the day of my birthday I woke up late and lazily watched morning talk shows as I practiced on my guitar. Had lunch at La Huasteca and watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory at home.

Later, "the foursome" hung out. Thanks to Marnel for making the wonderful chocolate chip cookies. They were yummy and I'm sorry Jorge that Ruben ate them all. After a couple of rounds of Super Smash Bro we watched the first half of The Simpsons Movie.

All in all it was a pretty relaxing birthday. My favourite part of the day? When I got my boyfriend to sing and play the guitar for me.

(sigh) I would fall for a musician!!

~~

Time Drags

It's one of those days...

Those lazy days where I am sitting here at work trying very, very hard to focus and concentrate and be productive.

...and I am just not succeeding.

It may have something to do with the fact that someone just kept calling me over and over again and interrupted my sleep which resulted in me being late to work. Then again it may just have to do with the fact that it's Thursday which means it's almost the weekend but not quite.

Right now I would much rather be outside sitting in the sun with a Jamba Juice or something of that nature (as long as it's not that Starbucks Vivianno. **bleh**) instead of sitting here in this overly air conditioned office, staring at the computer screen and drowning in the monotony.

Like I said. It's just one of those days.

~~

When I Grow Up (Otherwise Known As Soon to Be 25)

Baby Blocks
Originally uploaded by icklemissus

In my past reflections on my age I usually come to the same conclusion: I really don't feel as old as I am.

However, as I was working today, something hit me hard...metaphorically speaking.

I am grown up.

To some this may seem so obvious that it has no chance of qualifying as an epifany. However, for me it does. I guess thats because its not that I am grown up but I feel grown up.

When did this happen? When did my decisions begin to revolve around economic activity and a work schedule? When did 8 hours of my day every day begin to resemeble scenarios out of that movie Temps? I thought of this as I sat here proofing ads and processing art requests. This is me really as a grown up and if I don't believe it all I have to do is look at my passport (because I still have to wait on my license) and look at my birthdate.

25 in 5 days. I just didn't see this coming. One day I was worried about what the other kids on the playground were saying to me and the next thing I know I'm here planning a long needed vacation (Yes!!!!) Ok, so the vacation is not such a bad thing....

Now I'm thinking about future homes, retirement and the like. It all happened so fast.

Just like some other things that have recently happened in my life.

....but that's a completely different entry =)

~~

Within A Dream

Sicily-Italy
Originally uploaded by tollen

I was looking at the pictures on flickr and I came across this one. What struck me about this picture is that this looks just like a scene I had in a dream several weeks ago.

It makes sense because this is Taormina, Sicily. I love Sicily.

I know I'll go back some day.

~~

Ok, I'll Admit It...

Lightning Storm 7 22 08
Originally uploaded by Eric's Railroad Photo Journal

Yesterday, as I was leaving my friends' apartment I noticed lightning in the sky. It was a little scary, because I knew I had to go home so I would be driving in the storm. However, it was inevitable as there was no other way to get home. As I was driving towards Long Beach I noticed that I was driving closer and closer to the lightning. Due to the direction of my apartment, I really was driving into the storm.

The closer I got to the lightning the more scared I felt, and the more I prayed. What else could I do? It was so beautiful and yet so frightening at the same time. Then I had to put gas in the car, and so I was standing outside holding a metal pump with a flamable fluid running through it, but again I had no choice. When I got home I was so relieved.

So what does this all have to do with what I have to admit? I realized today that this storm could be seen as an analogy, and I do have a way with analogies.

I tell everyone that I'm fine, and that I am not letting things get to me. I tell them this becuase I don't want anyone to worry, or to second guess things. But...

Ok, I'll admit it. It gets to me. There are times where I feel a tightness in my stomach and anxiety rocks me to my core. These times are fleeting and leave me feeling defeated. Like I am chasing after an impossible dream. A dream almost within my grasp but too flighty for me to catch.

So the lightning storm analogy? I have no choice. I have to continue to drive towards it; I have to continue to drive through it; and there are going to be times where I have this fear gripping me as I stand outside completly exposed to the elements and I watch the flashing sky get closer and closer and brighter and brighter, but what can I do?

Some may say I could end it. That I really do have a choice, to walk away from it all and leave this craziness behind me. Yet, for me that is not actually an option. All I can do is pray more as I fear more.

This is all so beautiful and frightening at the same time, but if I can weather through it and catch my dream...well to me he is definitely worth it.

~~

Stress Reduction Kit Installation

Stress Reduction Kit Installation
Originally uploaded by programwitch

This post changed over the course of 2 hours. Originally I was planning on ranting and raving about stupid people, and all types of other random things from work. However, some time has passed and I have been able to get myself together. I have come to the conclusion that I really have to do everything in my power to make sure that I don't let these people get to me.

Now that is much easier said than done. Thus I am considering utilizing one of these "nifty" Stress Reduction Kits :) I also think that I should hand a couple of these out as gifts! The only problem is that as often as I would have to use this thing I would end up in the hospital or something to that effect.

~~

Sticks, Stones, Rubber & Glue

brighter rocks
Originally uploaded by todder

I remember when I was in elementary school and I would hear insults flung all around the playground. A common response was:

"Sticks & stones may break my bones, but words may never hurt me"

That retort was so empowering back then. Someone could curse your soul to the bottom of the sea and yet those words would have you soaring.

Or did it?

I was the shy, skinny, curly haired, bespectacled child with skin the color of cafe au lait, not dark enough to be black and no where light enough to be white. I heard more than my share of taunts and sing song insults. There were many occasions were I threw that phrase at the little rude beasts of children who would bully me. However, it did not always make me feel better. The insults and comments that were flung hit me like piercing darts and despite the fact that they hit their marks and I stood there bleeding for the world to see, I still insisted my wounds did not exist.

Maybe even then I was beginning to realize the full power of words, as words are such powerful things. Heated exchanges brought about by moments of anger can never be erased. Threats and declarations of hate are eternal. Apologies may act as bandages but they do not erase wounds or prevent scars.

What made me think of all this lately? Some words that have been flung not just at me but at people who I care about. People who I would give the world for and I see these words taking their toll. I see myself trying to temper the blow and I find myself saying things like

"Don't let her words get to you."

I really believe we should not allow ourselves to become prisoners of the ignorance, hate,or fears of others. However, there is only so much that we can do. I can tell someone not to be hurt by the words of another, but that's easier said than done, especially when I am not the one who has been afflicted. All I can really do is help dress their wounds and that's what I have been trying to do.

All this thought on words has me considering the words I use on a daily basis. Am I tearing people down when I mean nothing more than jest? Maybe that's not such a bad thing for me to do: to reconsider the words I use. When people use words as weapons they are usually declaring an all out war of words. As children we had this line in our arsenal:

"I'm rubber and you're glue, so whatever you say bounces off me and sticks back on you."

If only the pain inflicted with words could that easily be assauged.

~~

Baseball Fans at Work

This was a very funny conversation that went on at my job today.

Greg: The Dodgers are going down man.

Fernando: The Los Angelse Dodgers?

Greg: Yeah, you can cry on my Angel shoulder.

Fernando: What? And you're going to hold me your wings?

Yeah, guys are funny.

~~

Blocked Out Again

Lately I have been feeling the deisre to write. Not the usual random prose via blog, but something a little more creative. However, every time I sat down to write, the words escape me.

It's like the worse kind of writer's block.

~~

Self-Censorship & The Like

A little more than a week ago I went to San Diego with some really close friends of mine. The weekend was probably the best trip I ever had in San Diego. While out there one morning I decided to do a little mobile blogging while I was waiting for everyone else to feel like getting out of bed.

I posted a picture of myself and someone else (not to this blog, but to my Tumblr) and within minutes had a couple of comments about the picture. Everything was fine until some drama occurred later that evening regarding the whereabouts of the friend in the picture. After hearing all the garbage that was generated, I decided that it would be for the better if I went ahead and took the post down.

Even as I write this entry I have removed all identifying characteristics of the parties involved, and have included no names. I really do not like the fact that I feel like I have to censor myself. The whole purpose of me blogging is that I can write what I want and say what I feel until my heart's content. Now there is a person who is becoming an involved part of my life and I cannot comment on what's going on or how I feel about all that's going on.

Granted, he never asked me to watch what I say or what I write. That was my own decision, made out of respect for the sensitive nature of the events he is currently surrounded by. Not to mention the fact that I really do not want to be dragged through the grime that a particular person calls her life. I may be overreacting to a certain extent, given the fact that she may not think to check the pages and see what she may find. However, I felt that any precaution that I could take I should take, at least for now.

And I guess that's where I am going with this. The for now. I am willing to continue with the creative inhibitions for the moment, but this is temporary. As an artist, a writer, and the verbal person that I am, I can only contain myself for so long. When I reach that point, all bets are off...

~~