Monday, June 3, 2013

Sunday Night/Monday Morning Thoughts

It is after 2 am and I know I should be sleeping. There is much to do in the morning. However, my mind will not let me rest. Will not let me sleep.

Lately my thoughts have been drifting back to Europe. A friend once told me she never understood this anxious need I have to travel until she heard the phrase wanderlust. She told me once it was explained to her, she immediately thought of me. Maybe deep in my bones is the need to wander. Yet, I have denied that need in exchange for the safety of a regular 9-5 and a paycheck that allows me to live in one of the most expensive states in the country.

That does not mean that I do not have daydreams of sipping café in Paris or munching on arranchini in Sicily. Much to the contrary, these thoughts are what often keep me awake at night. Should I make a daring move that may result in me living out my nomadic daydreams? How will I afford such a lifestyle?

All the while the days march into months, into years and now the countdown to another magical year that ends in zero and has many people asking me when I plan on "settling down" and "having children." I honestly do not have an answer. For I know that while this need to travel gnaws at my spirit, it will never be fair for me to bring a child into this world. Not until this urge subsides will I ever be truly ready to "settle down."

So, I must pray for guidance, inspiration or even courage to make a change that will allow me to be happy. Otherwise, I will continue to look back at these years with only sadness and regret.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Back in the Saddle

I returned from a business trip and found myself slacking on my writing once again.

Not again! I had done so well in Denver; writing in the dark and whatnot. However, upon my return to the stacks of work needing attention at my day job and the time needed to decompress from all the emotional and mental stress of a draining day job and vampiric friends, there is little time left to sleep let alone write.

So, I am getting back in the saddle.


I hope


Friday, October 12, 2012

Peace Be Still

This is another instance where I have deleted my entire post and replaced the rant (this time over connectivity issues) and decided to write something in a completely different vein.

I have been sitting on this plane for some time as it had been sitting on the runway due to some reason explained by the pilot ( I did not understand what he was saying.) In any case, I felt this sense of anxiety and tension. Here I sat, in an enclosed plane that was completely booked. Every seat was taken including the two next to me. As I sat there I began to think on the various realizations and other matters that I had come across this week. The thought of it all increased my anxiety and I could feel the throbbing signs of a migraine beginning. It has been a tough couple of days...

After taking off and purchasing wifi and experiencing other delays I felt like I had just reached my peak. From this spring of stress and tension flowed a ranting blog entry dripping in sarcasm and tempered with anger.

Then a song came on my iPod: Rush of Fools' Peace Be Still. 

"and Peace Be Still...
Peace, be still...
Please be still
and know that I am God."

The rolling melody and deep message really affected me. I turned back to my entry and deleted my rant, and started again.

Now I am sitting here on this plane, staring at the clouds and what could possibly be the grand canyon. For the first time all week, I am truly alone. Here on a packed airplane, I finally allow the tears to fall. All that I had been holding back. Every emotion I had to hide these past few days. There was no sobbing or cries of anguish. Only silent tear drops that carried with them insecurity, fear of failure, of inadequacy. These tears carry pain and exasperation, sadness over betrayal, sadness over loss. A trail of frustration fell into pools of realization as I cried over issues buried over the last week, the last month, the last year. 

Behind the tears, I found the strength to reach out to my faith and grasp tightly to the foundation that would keep me from drowning. It is here that I stared into the reflection of love and prayer and in this moment I am still...

I come to, ready to continue writing and I happen to see someone walking by who I knew from work. Not just any person, someone who I once told I looked to her as a possible role model/mentor.  A person who I had not seen in sometime, and by this time the tears are gone. Almost as if confirmation of my thoughts we promise to connect later and talk.

There are going to be mountains and valleys. Obstacles that will attempt to knock us from our path and craters that will force us to consider turning back. Tears are not a sign of weakness but an overflowing of emotions. Sometimes this buckets must be emptied so that we do not carry them during our journey. If one finds themselves on a trail to a destination that he/she does not wish to go then we must alter our course. There may not be a clear trail and so we might have to blaze a path to our goals. This might require mountain climbing, ocean swimming, and lots of hacking away at those things in our way. However, it is imperative that we push through and hold tight to our faith.

Unlatch the unnecessary bags and do not be afraid to empty your tears when need be and when your mind is racing remember those words spoken by Christ to the crashing waves in the midst of the storm.

Peace, Be Still...


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Sneaky Words

This is not the post I had started.

Deleted the post about my day and stared at the cursor, not knowing what to write. I made a commitment to myself to write every single night so that I would get into the habit; like exercise for an athlete.

However, what do you do when you cannot trust your fingers to not type the words that should not be seen? I have always been extremely cautious when detailing events related to work and since this is a work retreat, I cannot help but to allow my thoughts to "go there."

Instead, I will continue to sit in the dark and wonder at the steps I must take to ensure I am not in a similar situation next year.


Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Up, Up and Away

I could not believe how many months it has been since I posted an entry. Then I saw all the drafts that I had left unfinished. Pieces that I wanted to share, then had second thoughts on whether or not it would be beneficial for me to publicize those particular thoughts and emotions.

However, that is neither here nor there.

Right now I am soaring through the skies en route to Denver. A work event that I am not particularly looking forward to but I am trying to make the most of this situation. Left a day earlier than most of my coworkers to meet a friend from long ago with whom I have only recently reconnected. I packed my carry-on with my nook, iPad, laptop, iPod; the "essentials," prepared to lean back and relax during the flight. Yet, my mind won't rest and so, I fired up the laptop, paid the $5 wifi fee and logged into my blog.

Thus far the flight has been rather smooth, with the exception of the kid in front of me. His constant jumping up and down is causing my tray to sway, which worries me as I eye the coffee sitting inches away from my keyboard. Also, I busted my finger pretty badly yesterday and am finding it extremely difficult (and occasionally painful) to type. Still, I am determined to bang out this entry. Out the window, I notice the slipping away of the dawn. Flying from CA to CO means I am headed away from the sun. My face froze when the pilot said it was currently 44 degrees in Denver.  At least I am prepared to layer some clothing.

I am pretty sure this post seems to be a pretty mundane description thus far. I mean all I have written about are random observations of an otherwise normal flight. (The boy stopped jumping and judging by the reflection in the window, his parents have him watching cartoons on an iPad. I swear kids are extremely lucky these days)

Right now all I keep thinking about is how I love to travel and have always wanted to find a way to make traveling a part of my career. My friend Cindy said that when she learned the phrase "wanderlust" all she could think of was me. That pretty much summarizes it. I started traveling as an infant, leaving my birthplace of the Philippines for the states. Since that time I have travelled to various cities, states, countries each time I come to stay in a place for too long I get that feeling again. Time to move on to new things, see new sights experience new adventures.

It has already been too long.

Now is the time for me to make moves. For me to make plans and set the stage for the next journey I will be taking in my life. Sure sacrifices will be made, but in the end I know it will be worth it. I refuse to forever be tied to a desk job that I don't like. To continue working my fingers to the bone in order to help assist someone in their dream job.

Everyone keeps telling me the economy is bad and things are not great for everyone. That I should feel blessed to be able to even have a job and a steady income. This is true and I will never end my thankfulness over knowing every two weeks I will have a check deposited into my bank account. However, I am taking a stand and refusing to settle. This is why I m growing my photograph, writing more, reading more, and studying for the GMAT and LSAT. There may not be any open doors for me, so guess what ? I may just have to build myself a house and open my own door.

1 1/2 year ago, I considered getting into photography and I know have an online portfolio. A year ago, I was stressing over classes, I have since walked across that graduation stage. 6 months ago I could not run for more than 20 minutes. Now I have two 5Ks under my belt. All this to say, I know that I am capable of setting goals and accomplishing them. I dream big, work hard and know that it will only be a matter of time before I can say that I am doing the work that I love.

Stay tuned...


Monday, June 11, 2012

Back Again

After a lengthy hiatus, I am once agin returning to the art of scribbling details of my mind/life for all the world to see.

During my hiatus, I graduated (albeit with some coursework to makeup,) completed my first 5k, began job hunting, participated in "the biggest loser" competition at work (which I lost,) got a Nintendo Wii (for free thanks to my coworker) and overall worked my butt off juggling work, school, and maintaining some semblance of a social life. Through all this I would think of little blog entries to complete but I never had the time to write them down. Now I will be making the time because a writer should never shut off words no matter how mundane.

Speaking of writing, not much of that has been happening on this end and in order to jump start my creative juices, I am trying to get back into reading. On Goodreads, I set a goal at the start of the year to read 60 books in one year. My sister pointed out that I am very far behind (I think I've read 5 books. Too bad textbooks do not count) So, I am working on a "Zombie vs Robots Anthology" then it's off to the plethora of books I loaded up on the iPad.

Back to the grind!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone 4S

Friday, March 23, 2012

Posting for the Sake of Posting

I have not been sticking to my commitment of doing better at maintaining my blog.

Almost two months without a single entry.

In January I fell into the last semester of school volcano and have been swallowed up ever since. This has kept me from reading, writing, and even working out. It has cut into my soccer viewing ( my LA Galaxy!!) and even my sleep.

Spring Break is now close at hand and I am going to try to bring this blog up to speed. Rather than write one large post about all the things I have been getting into in the last two months, I will try to break up my thoughts into various smaller bite size entries.

Now I'm off to update my goodreads page, because although I know I have not been reading as much as I would like, I have definitely read a few books this year.

More to come...