Monday, September 29, 2008

Stop & Stare: Multi-Colored Love

The shiny red earrings were so much prettier than the blue ones, although I have to admit I am more partial to blue, but what did it matter? I really wasn't interested in buying either one. As I turned away from the earrings, I got a surprise hug from my boyfriend. I then got an even bigger surprise when an elderly woman began glaring at me.

Sadly, this is not an unusual situation. Growing up as an interracial child in the south, I have become pretty accustomed to looks of curiosity and anger. My physical features were a banner for the changing tide of race and love, and many people did not like change.

I grew to embrace the combined cultures that made up my ethnic identity. The wild stares and random glares went by unnoticed by me. However, about a month ago they were brought to my attention once again. These looks are now for a different reason.

Apparently, its one thing to be the result of a mixed race relationship, but to make the conscious decision to become involved in a relationship of this sort, is a whole different story. There have been many people who have no problem with the fact that I am multi-racial and that I refuse to be boxed into just one ethnic group. Yet, when these same people found out that I was dating someone of a race different from any in my make up their shock was apparent. Thankfully, I can say I do not consider any of these people as my close friends. Those who express disdain towards my relationship obviously do not know me very well. Otherwise, how can they be shocked? Anyone who knows me understands my view on race & ethnicity. My college years were dedicated to the work of multiculturalism, not only educating and exposing others to various cultures, traditions, and ideologies, but also in learning about those different from myself. I believe that as one who expects others to accept me for who I am, that I should also be knowledgeable and accepting of others as well.

Some will say that we are in the year 2008, and that racism and the expectations of racial purity are antiquated and outdated at best. However, they are obviously very wrong. While it is true that it has been 56 years since Robert and Grace McAllister were married, and 52 years since the Lovings were found guilty of violating the Racial Integrity Act that forbade the marriage of whites to non-whites, it has only been 8 years since Alabama officially removed its laws banning inter-racial marriages. Facts and statistics aside the disapproving glances and comments speaks volumes to racial expectation in our country. These expectations are something that no law written or implied could ever correct. There is no time limit to when the tide will change, but I do have hope that someday it will.

My relationship is now another manifestation of the banner of change my physical features once mirrored. I am proud to be a woman who is half Black and half Filipina, and I am not ashamed of my Latino boyfriend. Love is not constrained by race and ethnicity and I refuse to let the opinions of the narrow-minded dictate how I identify myself and who I choose to date. If I did, then not only would I be one truly confused individual, but I would be missing out on an incredible relationship.


Thursday, September 25, 2008

Another One Of These: Stay Down

Another One Of These: Stay Down
Current mood: hopeful
Category: Music

One of the biggest passions of my life is music. Singing it, creating it, listening to it; it's like I live music sometimes. One of the greatest things about music is when I listen to the lyrics of a song and I can totally relate to the lyrics of the song. It's times like these that remind you that you may not be the only person who has ever gone through your particular situation.

An artist whose lyrics tend to do that for me is Mary J. Blige. Although I can't say that everyone of her songs hit close to home there have been a couple every now and then that makes me wonder if she had been taking a look at my blog...or my journals at home.

In any case, this one is currently on repeat on my ipod and now also on my page. Just reading these lyrics speak more to how I currently feel in my life than any entry possibly could.

Did ya know(x7) (that I love you)
Did ya know(x7) (that I love you)
Did ya know(x7) (and I want you.)

I'll admit things aint been the way I thought they would be.
Didn't expect so much stress to develope between me and you.
I knew that it wasn't easy but sometimes when we fight it don't seem like God's design ,
but then I hear words you said and I promise I would stand for you and be true throughout the bad and the good.

And I know what it means to be committed.
So here's a word for you , but you just sing with it..

(Stay Down) We're almost to the very best part.
(Stay Down) You'll always be the pride of my heart.
(Stay Down) We too can past the test
(Stay Down) Yeah we got a lot of work.
(Stay Down) I know it ain't been the best but it certainly ain't been the worst.
(Stay Down) The drama will not last forever (stay down) we'll beat it long as we're together.
One day we'll look back on this , we'll be like 'remember this?' and it's gonna make us smile 'cause in the end we stayed down..

I ain't gonna lie , at times you amaze me.
You be talking and I swear that you're crazy but,
I learned a long time ago that pride don't help , it only hurts.
And I just want you to know ,
I need ya baby (I need you)
I'm just like Weezy baby , not Weezy like the son of baby but the wife of George , and we're moving on up.

10 years strong and we're looking like a plan.
Im looking like your woman and you're looking like my man.
We looking like real and the haters look fake ,
especially when they hear me say..

(Stay Down) We're almost to the very best part.
(Stay Down) You'll always have a place in my heart.
(Stay Down) We too can past the test
(Stay Down) Ya know we got a lot of work.
(Stay Down) I know it ain't been the best but it certainly ain't been the worst.
(Stay Down) The drama will not last forever (stay down) we'll beat it as long as we're together.
One day we'll look back on this , we'll be like 'remember this?' and it's gonna make us smile 'cause in the end we stayed down..

(Understand you are the one in my heart) And I'm holding yours so we can't live apart.
(When things stop making sense we'll figure it out) I walked into this and I don't wanna walk out no , no.

Everything ain't gonna be how we like and what is worth keeping if it didn't take a fight?
Your healing is in me (me)
And my healing is in you (you)
So get your mind right , 'cause here's what we're gonna do..

(Stay Down) We're almost to the very best part.
(Stay Down) You'll always be the pride of my heart.
(Stay Down) We too can past the test
(Stay Down) Ya know we got a lot of work.
(Stay Down) I know it ain't been the best but it certainly ain't been the worst.
(Stay Down) The drama will not last forever (stay down) we'll beat it as long as we're together.
One day we'll look back on this , we'll be like 'remember this?' and it's gonna make us smile 'cause in the end we stayed down..

Did ya know(x7) (that I love you)
Did ya know(x7)


Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Tense Feeling

There's no picture for this entry. No cutesy title, no cut and past into myspace. Nothing like that when it comes to this entry. This is one of those "this is how I feel" entries.

I feel tense. I guess that's the best way to describe it. It's as if there were snakes in my stomach and none of them can sit still, and they're slowly moving one over the other.

What's causing this? I can't say. I mean, I know there are certain things that are triggering this feeling, but I don't know if my fears are founded. I don't know if it's just me being scared. However, just when I try to convince myself that this is all in my head something else happens that brings me back to where I am right now.

So I'm sitting here at work and I feel on edge, and it's just that I feel those snakes moving again and I just don't want to have to take down my pictures, delete my desktop, or change my facebook status back to single.


Monday, September 22, 2008

Weekend Update

Joe's Crab Shack, decor
Originally uploaded by jleighb
It was one of those weekends that I spent out and about, so I thought I would write one of those entries where I give a weekend rundown.


I had a serious migraine on Friday and I just could not go into work. The stress of things from work and things in SD was really getting to me and exacerbated my already throbbing head. First things first. I started having issues with my car some time ago. It looks like there may be something wrong with the car's computer. As such my mom and I struck a deal to exchange cars. Originally I was going to drive down to SD and act a s a mediator for some things down there, but I decided against it. So, I had to wait for my dad to bring up my mom's camry, which is now my current mode of transportation. Gone is my green Honda with the shiny rims, but I have to admit the Toyota drives alot smoother. I think I'll keep it.

Then there was dinner at Joe's Crab Shack. Ahhhhhh, seafooooood.

Next came atrip down memory. Spent some time at Barnes and Noble AND Dennys with the old MCC crew. It's funny how quickly time goes by. I mean it seems like just yesterday we were all students at CSUDH balancing our time between classes and planning events for the MultiCultural Center. Now, here we are all working and going to school for various additional degrees. Still doing the whole juggling act, but with different balls so to speak. It's just good to know that spending time with each other is one task that hasn't changed.


Lobsterfest 2008!! San Pedro, CA: A couple of us went to Lobsterfest (like PJ her daughter and one other person who shall remain nameless for the time being) In any case, I was able to print out coupons that would give us a $2 discount. Then we each got the $17 lobster. Yes, fresh lobster is a wonderful thing for those of us who love seafood. (Ahhhh...more seafood) My "mom-moment" occured when I was holding the little girl's hand and she told me she didn't want to hold my hand. I told her fine, let someone grab her...

She held my hand for the rest of the day.

After the Lobsterfest we decided to walk around some of the shops on the pier. It was interesting to say the least. There were the overpriced Asian shops and the overpriced crafts. There was this candy shop that sold chocolate covered gummy bears. See it is for this reason that I am not very happy with the numbers the scale threw at me today. Sure it sounds so fattening, and it is, but it was really good. There were all these old fashioned candies and Pez dispensers, but some of the candies looked really old. However, there was one other thing that they had at the candy shop that I thought was super cute:

Yes, that's Duff Energy Drink!

Then it was off to see Igor, which I have to admit was a very cute movie. Although, John Cusack really did not have the type of voice I would picture an igor having. The soundtrack was cute as some of my favourite songs were featured, including Bob Marley's "I Can See Clearly," which is a pun that only those who have seen the movie will understand.

Even later that night I hung out with Pam and Gebar. We did get into some nitty gritty conversation on topics ranging from economics, to the future of underdeveloped nations, to the fascination of westernization.


Sunday means church day so I spent the morning in God's house. Afterwards, I picked up Johanna and took her out to lunch, since I did not get her a birthday present. Then I spent the evening relaxing and attempting to clean my room. Oh, and I chatted with Amanda which was great because I have not talked to her in forever!

Alas, that was my weekend. This weekend looks to be even busier than the last. Now back to the grind.


The Truth About My Boss


Thursday, September 18, 2008

In A Rush

Two Months In My Bag
Originally uploaded by fly281
This entry was going to be on a completly different topic, but while cruising images I found this one and I was thrown through a loop. I guess the reason why this picture resonated with me is because I'm pretty sure there have been many instances where my bag looks just like this. It's not that I am a slob or super lazy or anything along those lines. The truth of the matter is that although I feel at times like I am going nowhere, I really am doing alot. Aside from the full time advertising job (which is absolutely draining at times) theres the 3 writing projects, the second degree I've decided to work on, and the like. Not to mention time spent with friends, family, and the like it can be alot at times.

There are a few instances where I have caught my breath. Times where something catches my eye and I stop for a moment. It's those small moments that allow me to collect myself and maintain the shreds of sanity I hold dear.

Where am I going? I have no idea. Only God knows the path before me. In the last months I have gone through streets and wandered trails that I never expected. Things I said I would never give a chance, lessons I never dreamed I would learn. There have been many pitstops and it wasn't all fun and games. I've shed more than my share of tears, bore many harsh blows, and I know that there may be even more trials to come. With His help I'll face each one head on.

With this much stuff in my bag atleast I'll be prepared.


Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Black Coffee & Reggae

Coffee Black
Originally uploaded by Sebastin™
It's 4:03pm and I'm still drinking hot black coffee.

This is the conversation I had with my mom:

Mom: "What did you eat?"
Me: "Coffee. I've been drinking alot of Coffee lately."
Mom: "You're stressed huh?"

So maybe my mom knows me sometimes.

I have been drinking alot of coffee lately. Hurricane Ike left our Houston center without electricity. As a result we have been doing the work of 2 art centers. Deadlines have been missed, franchisees have been yelling and I have been looking for an end to it all.

Today my coworker brought me a Bob Marley boxed set called Songs of Freedom. Reggae!! Talk about relaxing.

This conversation occured between that same coworker and the Sams Club representative that came to our job:

SC Rep: I love your break room
Greg: You love our horrible puke green chairs?
SC Rep: Acutally I see that as chartruese and thats my favourite color. I wear it all the time. I have 2 pairs of Ked mule tennies and I LOVE them.

Moments like this help. I got a nice laugh out of it. Fact is sometimes stranger than fiction.


Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The Truth About My Current Relationship

Originally uploaded by _Neverletmego_
As If There Wasn't Enough Drama In My Life....

I think I started blogging years ago. Remember, that now archaic site called Xanga? Yeah, that was so long ago. At the time my writing was for trend's sake. Everyone had a Xanga, everyone wrote about their lives and included pictures, even me.

Alot has changed since then. Xanga is now all but defunct, blogging is not only acceptable but a media force to be reckoned with and I am no longer the naive college student who only posts pretty pictures of her daily outings with friends. One thing that has remained the same is that inspite of a brief blogging hiatus I am still a writer and one of my many creative outlets is my blog. Although some of my entries have been on topics of social, economic, or even philosophical nature (i.e Night, IndyMac etc) there are still entries where I blog about my life, random thoughts and my emotional state. I guess you can classify this entry as one of the latter.

So why do I blog? I blog because I write and I write for the sake of writing. I am a writer and that's what I do. Many people read my blog (I see the little counter on the side panel)There are those who are inspired by my entries, those who find them thought provoking, and those who find them goofy and even stupid. This entry is about none of these readers.

Apprently there is another type of reader of my blog. Those who read my entries to find out intimate details about my life and use these details to manipulate situations and instigate arguments. Yes, I know that there are some of you who do this and to me it's really sad. I mean that's the reason I gave this entry it's title. I knew it would attract those who read my blog for that very reason.

I have nothing to hide. Anything, I deem as too personal I keep away from the web and hidden from the world in the pages of my hard bound journal. Now, if you were to find out what was written there...

Here's the Moment You Have Been Waiting For !!!! The Details About My Current Relationship!!

Since some of you feel the need to discuss my relationship I thought I would help you out about with a little list of your inaccuracies:

1) I will not be at the LA County Fair on Sunday.
2) I did not steal anyone from anyone.
3) I am not engaged, planning on becoming engaged or getting married.
4) Yes, I did go to Seattle with my boyfriend.
5) I am with someone who I am truly happy with and I will do all I can to make him feel as special and as wonderful as he makes me feel.

I went into this relationship fully aware of the situation I would be entering. Yes, my boyfriend has a son and as such his child's mother will be forever in his life. It's a delicate situation that requires me to be understanding and sympathetic. A relationship ended prior to mine beginning and there was pain inflcited by both sides. I do all I can to stay out of the water because that does not involve me. Given the sensitive nature of that past relationship one would think that people would be kind and respectful of the fact that some need to heal and let them be. However, that is not the case. Some chose to be spiteful and cruel and instigate fights and arguments.

I could say that's it and stop writing, but I refuse. (See Self Censorship and the Like at I refuse to give up doing what I love to placate the petty desires of those who refuse to emotionally grow up past junior high, because that's what this is. Jr. high bs. I stopped act like I was 12 when I was 12. It must be sad to discover that you really have nothing better to do then to follow the relationship of others,but to each his (or her) own.

Bottom line: I harbor no hate for anyone. Not even the mother of my boyfriend's son. As such I don't appreciate those of you who are harassing her. If you want to talk about me and my life go for it. Email me if you like. Message me on myspace or facebook or comment on my blogger. I have nothing to hide. Just don't try to make a difficult situation even harder with your whispered stories and mysterious phone calls.

To all those who read my blog and don't fit the description of what I mentioned above: I apologize for my rant. Thanks for reading!

To EVERYONE who reads this: Enjoy my blog!! If you like this you'll love my book Rockstar Daydream

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Parting Words From Seattle

I'm sitting on the plane waiting for takeoff and it's all really sad that this long awaited vacation has come to an end. The view from the tarmack is pretty sparse and the sun is brightl very much unlike the Washington I was told I would see.

I guess that pretty much states one of the overarching lessons I have learned on this trip. People cannot predict how things will unfold for themselves let alone anyone else. I came to Seattle with an intense itinerary. Things did not go as a plan, but thats ok. I went with it.

That also describes my summer. More later the cell phone must be turned off.

~~ Posted From My BlackJack II

Flashing Green Light

It's 3am and I can't sleep. I turned off the tv because I think it was keeping Ruben awake and he's trying to sleep. Now I'm just lying here with my mind wandering. I find myself staring at what I believe is the smoke detector; a flashing green light.

It's hot under the blankets but cold when I take them off, so I have them on halfway for now. I feel antsy and restless and I don't know why. Maybe it's because we fly out tomorrow and theres so much left to do and so little time.

Or maybe its just that insomnia.

I've been up since 9am I should be asleep, but I just can't quiet my thoughts.

I guess I'll keep staring at that light.

~~Posted From My BlackJack II

Friday, September 5, 2008

1 Day Left

I've been trying not to think abt how many days left in my vacation but this morning it hit me.

Only one day left...

Only one more day till my flight back and I am not looking forward to it. I mean I do miss people back home but I do not miss work. I have to do something about that. If this vacation has taught me anything its that life moves too quickly for anyone to hang in an unhappy situation for too long.

As scary as it maybe it is definitely time I moved on.

~~ Posted From My Blackjack II

Tuesday, September 2, 2008


Several weeks ago frazzled franchisees, recent layoffs, and an overall sense of restlessness forced me to decide that I needed to stop talking about going on a vacation and actually GO on vacation. Then and there I began looking up tickets and texted the guy I was dating at the time that I was "planning our vacation" .

Now weeks later and the plane just touched down in Seattle. As I walk hand in hand with that dude who is now my boyfriend (and will be henceforth be referred to as Ruben. Thats the first time I referred to him by name.) through the airport I feel a sense of accomplishment.

The thing is I make lots of plans, have lots of dream, and come up with different ideas of things I want to do that I feel so overwhelmed and incapable of doing it all so I end up doing nothing.

However, this is one occassion where I actually followed through. So I start to think if I can follow through on this, what else can i accomplish???

It was a touchdown in more ways then one.

~~Posted From My BlackJack II