Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Midnight Stroll (and the things I saw)

It's been a crazy past couple of months, but these last few days I find it harder and harder to hold it together. Tonight for the second night in a row I had a mini-breakdown. The anxiety and feelings of failure were just too much to bare. As I sat alone my thoughts drifted to the ocean and the calm I usually feel staring at the water. Thats when I had this crazy idea of going for a walk.

At first it was just a fleeting thought. Like wouldn't it be great to just walk until I saw the water. The more that I thought about it the better it sounded. I mean I couldn't sleep and the ocean is only a couple of well lit blocks away. Why not?

So I threw on a sweatshirt and sneakers and headed out the door. Very well aware that it was closely approaching midnight. Just stepping outside made me feel 100 times better. Knowing that soon I'll reach the water allowed me to breathe a little better. Thoughts flow through my head and I'm in and out of prayer. Talking to God and asking for answers that I don't deserve...but He gives them.

...some of them.

As I walk I hear a voice. A very angry voice. I see a man sitting outside a church. He's on the sidewalk yelling at things the rest of us can't see. It's through this man that I begin to realize once again that I'm behaving like a spoiled child. I have so much yet, I want more. This isn't all that I see.

I pass an apartment complex with a balcony and an open sliding door. That's when I remember my early college-roommate days. At that moment I would have given anything to be back on fountain street with Johanna and Elicia; complaining about classes and homework. With this in mind I fast forward to the later years and the drama and heartache I survived. Did I not make it through it?

Then I walked on past the park and remembered my last birthday which made me smile. The thought of frozen yogurt and talking under the stars.

I continued to the bench and I remember 2 couples sitting by the water. The girls giggled at their inside jokes and the boys spoke of their dreams. It seemed like yesterday but was several months ago and also seems like a lifetime ago. The 2 couples have since drifted.

Once I pass a tree I have a epifany. I take things too personally. Clients yell at me, co-workers snap at me, family members are demanding, my boyfriend cancels plans and I feel like once I again I have failed them all. Knowing this doesn't make things better. I don't know how to change the way I feel in given situations. This is just something I'll have to work on in the future.

Sitting at the bench overlooks the water and the view is great. But this isn't enough. I can hear the waves but I want more. I soon find myself searching for a way to walk by the water. I get here, walk through the sand and listen to the ocean as I watch the waves slam against the shore. The tide is rolling in.

This is alot to take in at the moment. 5 crank phone calls received on my cell, my lack of inspiration, discovering the people I envied were never happy, realizing my strengths and my weaknesses. There are those who see me as pathetic and expendable and those who have revealed their secret admiration. I've come so far but I still have a ways to go. If the past is any indication of the future, then I will overcome these obstacles in time.

To those who have to deal with me, all I ask for now is patience and prayer. I'm getting where I need to be. It's just that right now the distance I must go is quite daunting.

To those who hate me and wish me failure. Thank you because you are making me that much stronger.

Now as I leave the ocean and head back up I'm thankful for this moment. I really needed it.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Life Lessons From The Cosby Show II

Denise: I thought life was suppose to get easier as you got older.
Mom: I don't know why you thought that!

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Saturday, April 25, 2009


Why is it that every weekend I have to go through such bs and such drama? I am so tired of dealing with this. I am so tired of having to second guess everything.

It all just makes me wonder if I'm making the right choice.

~Posted From My BlackJack II

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Holding On

Shadow People
Originally uploaded by regismcourt
There are times when I wonder if I'm holding on to something that really isn't there.

If I have something that doesn't really belong to me.

These days are killer these instances are insane.

Should things really this hard, this complicated, and require this much patience on my part?

It's all I can do sometimes to not scream.

When I went into this, there was no way for me to know that things would be this hard.

Am I hanging onto something that isn't there?

Sometimes I think that I might have been like a starved person wandering around a desert. bMy thirst was so great that I started seeing things that really was not there.

But I always thought that in a mirage the water tasted sweeter than real water.

Then again this was really sweet too.

Maybe I'm awakening thanks to the taste of the sand.

Which leads me back to my original question...

Just what exactly am I holding ?


It's one of those instances when I feel incredibly lonely.

There are people around me, but no one who understands how I feel or what I'm going through.

These are the times I hate the most. The days I most despise. The reason I force laughter and paste a smile on my face...

but sometimes there cracks in the facade. Cracks that I don't notice until they are pointed out. As I sit here at Barnes and Noble and a man approaches me

"I don't mean to be in your personal life, but are you ok?"

I seal those cracks and paste back on the smile.

"I'm fine"

In reality, I wish I could run away. I wish I could start my life all over. To erase the mistakes that I have made and go down a new path.

Maybe I will. Maybe a day will come when I will no longer be here.

I hear the beaches are nice in Hawaii.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Late Hours

Originally uploaded by Kenn Wilson
It's 10:01pm and just as I suspected I am spending this Saturday working. However, it's not exactly the type of working that I thought that I would be doing today. After more thoughts on where I see myself weeks, months, years from now, I decided that I have let too much time gone by since I have worked on anything that I am passionate about. A discussion with Ruben had me wondering if I should even continue pursuing writing anymore,

The truth is that if it came down to what I would really love to do with the rest of my life, it would not necessarily be writing....

Because music is my first love.

More thoughts on it today and I realized that I should focus my eergy on all elements of aqrtistic expression that appeals to me. Writing and music.

There are so many plans going on in my head and things that I want to do and so far the days have been going by as one long endless MM blur. However, today is the begining of the end of that.

That is why it is after 10pm and instead of going out with my sister and her friends I am sitting at Portfolios using their wireless internet to dowload the writing software that I grew to love several months ago.

Now onto the writing.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Easter Bunny

My Ferrero Rocher Bunny from Pam.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Break Out The DS

I want this!!

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Me Being a Fatty

So this is what I bought to keep myself entertained while Pam and Sebastian went on the Gold Rusher.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Favourite Quote Today...So Far

"I don't want a pokemon. Just give me a Pikachu instead."
-Pam picking a prize

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Free Refills

My 1st purchase at the park. $14 but so worth it today.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

X-sistential X-2

I'm standing in line waiting to get on a roller coaster. No, I'm not being metaphoric, not yet. I'm actually at a theme park waiting to get on X-2 ( or Viper as it says on the car. whatever) As I rode up here I couldn't help but reflect on the different times I have been to this park. Although, this park is farther away than any of the other parks in SoCal, it is the park I have come to most often.

Since I still have some time to wait I thought "why not blog?" So I will have a series of theme park entries oh you lucky readers. =)

The first time I came out here (without my parents) was with a church group. It was very weird because I was not a member of the church so I knew no one except my sister. This was my parents' bright idea. So, while my sister spent the da with people her age who loved her, I wandered the park by myself. Rejected by those in my age group.


Let's just say, the group we went with was not very...diverse.

In any case, fast forward several years and I'm in college and living with roommates. However, most of my evenings are spent in Irvine with friends. When they suggested we go to Fright Fest I was a little if-y considering my last experience at the park, but my friends assured me we would be partnered up. There was also this guy that I kind of like who would be my "ride buddy" It was alot more fun than my 1st experience.

Fast forward a couple more years. I hang out with a different crowd, more involved with the school, and working hard to finish. I'm dating a younger guy and I come to the park with him, my closest friend, her boyfriend and my buddy Oscar. Things are kind of strained between my friend and I, but I chalk it up her just dealing with life and other personal issues. She assures me that she's fine and so I trust things will be ok. My date is scared of rides. He screams like a girl and gets made fun of by little kids. This isn't too bad this just means someone holds my bag while I ride with Oscar. During the trip the park loses electricity and we're all asked to leave. As we walk out, we're each handed free tickets to return on another day. The free passes are good undil December 31 of that year.

About 8 months later and it's the end of the year. The season passes and free passes from months ago are on the brink of expiration. I plan a spur of the moment trip so the tickets do not go to waste but the line up has changed. That friend months ago is no longer a part of my life, the result of a bitter faling out. The guy dated is now my boyfriend, but I was't happy. The sweet gestures and compliments have turned into negative remarks about my weight and disapproving glares. However, I figured things would get better. So our altered group (Oscar, Maria, bf, Don and I) all head out to the park. Initially, the plan was to go early in the morning bt after a leisure luncheon at one of our favourite Asian restaurants we headed towards Valencia. We were caught in rush hour traffic so that when we arrived the sun was coming down. I still have pictures from this outing my smile belies my true feelings of that day. The constant fat comments pulled me into an unexpected depression. The closing of that year...

That was years ago, and here I am now. My life is just as different now as it was in every other instance that I have come to this park. The old bf is long gone, and the current one has an interesting set of circumstances. Despite my occassional reservations, truth be told I know that he loves me and I love him. So I weather this ride with it's loops and twirls even though it's scary sometimes.

I also work full time for an advertisng company and I still have artistic aspirations. At this point in my life I am more self-sufficient and self-relient than I have ever been in the past. Maria's circumstances have changed, and Oscar's still around but this time I came without either of them.

So what was the purpose of this long winding entry aside from killing 2 hours while I waited for X2? Just reflecting on the changes in my life, and the hurdles I have crossed. I now realize after seeing how far I've come that the current obstacles I face are not insurrmountable.

With all this in mind it's time for me to climb aboard and hold on for another ride ;)

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Are You Type X?

They asked this question while in line...

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Thursday, April 2, 2009

In My Car

I feel so drained that I don't even have the energy to get out of my car and walk inside.

Right now I'm sitting in the driver seat with the seatbelt on just watching cars zoom towards their destinations. Believe it or not Monday was a much better day. Today is closer to the weekend but that means nothing to me because I feel so tired and week and in a fog.

Right now I'm praying things will get better but who knows.

I really should go inside.

~Posted From My Black Jack II