Tacos

would be nice right now. It's sad that I turn to food in these times, but I've only had abt 300 calories (at most) for the day.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Right Now...

I'm sitting in the car trying to take a small break.

I feel so down.

One tends not to feel at their best when a client curses them out.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Nightmare

I just had the worse dream ever.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Right Now...

my chest hurts again. God answers prayer but the truth is hard to bear sometimes. I just pray tomorrow will be a better day.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Lately

when I'm upset I get chest pains. As I feel the pain magnify it becomes harder to breathe.

It's been like this for over a week now.

Usually I'll have a good cry, then it's over.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Sometimes

I wish I could be someone else somewhere else.

This is one of those times.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Out of Steam

Loco yard at night 2
Originally uploaded by Terry Wha

Work has been crazy these last several weeks.

After the latest round of layoffs things were hectic as assigned tasks were shifted and duties rearranged. However, there was a period of calm that hit for a bit that first week of February.

I should have known it was only the eye of the storm.

In the last 2 weeks (this week and last week) one of our biggest regions deadlined and pandamonium reigned. Especially once our clients realized that their dealine was right after a holiday (President's Day) and the art center would be closed.

As such I came in to work on Sunday for 4 hours to eleviate the pressures of Tuesday. Almost every single day I have stayed late for atleast an hour if not more (with the exception of Wednesday thanks to a dental visit) Even as I write this blog I am coming up on the 2 hour mark of overtime.

Actually, I'm ready to go home. Just waiting on one last client.

Don't know how much longer I can continue this way. I'm really trying, but I'm just running out of steam. It's getting hard for me to focus. I feel lethargic and I just don't have the energy to do anything else when I get home...but eat and that's not good.

Well, I better get back to work so I can leave.

~~

Down With The KiNG

Down With The KiNG
Originally uploaded by loner17

This is a test blog for my friend Steve. Lets hope it doesn't work.

~~

Todays Mission

Yesterday, I was on a quest for sushi. Today, I need to get my netbook fixed.

Here's hoping for the same success as yesterday.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Sushi Success

After months of craving sushi, I finally got some!!

I met up with Jeff in Orange County before I went to do some work at Money Mailer (and yes I am perfectly aware that today was Sunday)

Thanks Jeff! Maybe next time you should get the Rainbow Roll =)

~~

Sushi

I have been craving sushi for months now. It is my goal to get sushi today, even if that means I have to go by myself.

~ Posted From My Black Jack II

Late Night Blog Entry

It's one of those nights were I cannot sleep because I have so may thoughts swimming around my head...and also because I fell asleep at abt 8:45 and woke up at midnight.

Unlike other nights I'm not anxious just thoughtful.

I have to admit I did accomplish something today.

I got a new dvd player to replace the broken one. If one does not have cable, then they should atleast have a dvd player.

and several seasons of their favourite shows.

~ Sent From My Black Jack II

How Much Do I Love Thee?

I remember as a child comparing with my siblings and friends the "amount" of love we had. There were rare occasions where we would argue our love for a particular individual, but usually we were talking about who loved peanut butter sandwiches or Nintendo or cartoons more. These conversations were so serious at the time, but would end with us dissolving in laughter.....or yelling so loud that our parents had to come in and quiet us down.

Years have passed and I would like to think that I have learned a little more about love since then. I now know that love cannot be measured in measuring cups or buckets or however I thought that love was measured as a child. I still remember one of my favourite films (Who framed Roger Rabbit) in which Roger Rabbit writes a letter to his love and he asks "how much do I love you? let me count the ways." He then proceeds to begin counting as he jumps up and down on a bed...and continues counting.


So love isn't measured in cups,feet, miles or how high you can recite your numerics. Then how do you measure love? How do you know just how much you love someone? Or how much someone loves you?

I had my suspicions and they were confirmed tonight.

As I sat there and looked into the eyes of one that I already knew that I loved. We talked and I saw the tears filling those brown eyes and I then knew how you measure love.

It's an indescribable measurement, not found on any ruler or tape measurer. Even as I sit here and think on it I cannot put into the words how at that moment I knew that no matter what happened or what road this individual chose to take that I had finally experienced a love that I never thought I would. How do I describe the stabbing pain I felt in my chest at seeing those tears, how the walls began to close in on me, how I was short of breath and tried so hard not to let all this show? How at that moment I wanted nothing more than to internalize his pain and absolve it all within myself, to wipe it all away and make it better or that even at this moment while sitting in a crowded Starbucks that I'm starting to sniffle and tear up as I recount it all?

How much do I love thee?

So much that I would pull down every star from their place in the heavens, as cheesy as it would sound. So much so that I would swallow your pain and never once complain. To see you hurt tears at my heart, every fiber of my soul begins to tremble and ache at the painful journey that you were forced to embark upon and my own problems become so insignificant.

Yet, with all this I must face the reality that the end of your misery may be the end of the bond between you and me.

Although, I should hope that this may never be.

This is how one measures love.

~~

Soups, Salads, and Soul Searching

Souplantation
Originally uploaded by Maybe Lately

Nothing like an evening out with friends to quell any and all worries regarding one's current career.

Or to commiserate about such worries.

What started out as a simple meal to catch up turned into a relationship pow-wow of sorts. Not that I am some type of relationship expert by an sense of the phrase, but I was willing to give my point of views when asked by a friend. However, the conversation did not consist solely of relationship how to and advice. There was also the discussion of our livelihoods and the lives we live compared to that of my parents.

Confused? Well, allow me to explain.

I am currently 25. (If you don't believe me, I have i.d to prove it.) At 25 my parents had careers, 2 children, a home, my mother had come from another country and earned her citizenship here.

What do I have to show for 25?

No children (Praise God) working in a company where I wonder if today will be the day that I am laid off, and still trying to9 figure out what exactly I want to do with the rest of my life.

As I discussed these concerns with my sister after dinner I came to the conclusion that this is not entirely my fault. 10 years ago (as I sat through class my last year in Sicily) I had no way of knowing that I would be spending my mid-late 20s in a recession seized economy. There was no way I could prepare myself for hearing about educated individuals fighting for jobs that pay $7 and hour at a local Kohls. Had I known this, there was probably not much I could do to prepare myself for my present situation, except maybe think more about what I really wanted to spend my life doing.

Granted, I know that I am extremely blessed. Although, it may be inevitable, I have yet to be laid off. I just finished reading an incredible book by Jennifer Lancaster called Bitter is the New Black (look for my book review to be posted soon.) and there is an instance where her husband forfeits his medication for groceries. I have yet to reach this stage of rock bottom. There are times where I complain about my "inadequate" pay while families are struggling to get by on less than $10000 a year.

Don't get me wrong. I am very grateful.

However, I just wish I was a little more prepared. Like if I had a plan mapped out and I knew that I am headed in the right directions.

I'm at the point right now, where I feel so discouraged that I don't even have the motivation to try to remedy my current situation. Sadly, I got pretty comfortable at my current positions, although, I am blatantly taken for granted time and time again.

There have been other positions that I have been told about and I have not even mustard up the courage to doll up my resume.

I truly believe it's that fear of failure creeping in, but what can I do? My old adage of better to not try than to try and fail has held me back from attempting so many of my "frivolous" dreams.

Now is the time for me to get off the pot and get it together. The past couple of years have flown by, the next thing I know I will be 30...

I would like to think that by then I could afford such niceties as planning a yearly vacation with no problems, and working in a field that I love.

~~

Bigger Bed

Last night was the first night in a while that I had stayed at home. It was nice to be in my own (bigger) bed with the satin sheets and 3 blankets to keep me warm. So nice that I missed church this morning, but I'll go this evening.

Despite all the benefits of sleeping in my own bed, there is a downside....

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Target Addict

01.31.09 [#031] TARGET
Originally uploaded by Jeezny

I have been a Target addict for some time. I think this started from my years in college when Johanna and I would be bored or just get paid and would race off to Target. However, recently I have become even more of an addict.

Every Monday and Thursday I set aside for working on my writing and things of that nature. There is this particular Starbucks that I like to go to that stays open pretty late. Even when they close at 11pm the Drive-thru is still open to take orders, meaning that I can continue to get my coffee on as I work in the car. However, I discovered some time ago that there is a pretty big Target just down the street. As such I have been stalling and shopping at Target.n This is how bad it's been:

Thursday I went to Target, bought several things for a project that I am working on this month, and some feminine things that I needed. Then I went to Target on Saturday to get a bag that I couldn't stop thinking about after Thursday. After that double trip I went to Target again today (Monday) and bought a book.

Being a Target addict has it's downsides. Especially when visiting the same store over and over. One thing is that I know I've been spending waaaaaaaay too much money. For now, I'll just say that I'm doing my part to aid in the flailing economy. The other bad thing is that there is this one guy who wanders around the store trying to find people to go to his show. This guy has taken to constantly coming up to me and asking me how I'm doing, how pretty I am and how he always sees me at Target.

Ehhhhhhhh.

I didn't want to talk to you the first time you approached me, what made you think that I would change my mind the next time you saw me?


So, here I am at Starbucks with my black coffee and cold water. I am still unfocused, but I think I'm going to push myself to work on my literary efforts.

After I do this blog =)

~~

Inter-departmental Billing

plus numbers
Originally uploaded by amberP80

Another month has passed and that means one thing...It's time for me to put on my accounting hat and complete the inter-departmental billing for the month of January.

However, I really do not feel like doing this right now. Looking at these numbers make me sad.

As my co-worker said it's more evidence that the writing is on the wall.

So I wrote this entry to stall.

~~

Outsourcing & The Simpsons

Yesterday I was flipping through the channels when I came across an old episode of the Simpsons. In the episode the nuclear power plant that Homer works for begins to outsource positions to India. As I am watching this episode, I cannot help but think about my current situation at work. I watched several of my friends leave as the company began to outsource to a company with employees in India and the Philippines. It's not enough that the state of our economy has forced various departments to have lay offs but to also lose many employees to outsourcing is very troubling.

Some people may see outsourcing as an incredible thing. Granted in the business and economic world, there are many benefits with outsourcing. Companies are able to save money and usually underdeveloped, third world nations are able to see an increase in GDP. However, there are many ethical issues that arise when it comes to outsourcing.

When companies decide to outsource they must layoff several employees here in the U.S. The job loss results in a decrease in spending and income in our own economy. There is also the conditions of the employees oversease. Companies are able to save money by paying very little to employees overseas that are so strapped for cash, that they are willing to take pennies for hard work in miserable conditions. In a sense the companies are taking advantage of the incredible need in these countries.

Where is the win in the case of outsourcing? Bigwigs will say the decrease in production costs will result in a decrease in costs which means consumers will be able to save big. However, with the struggling economy, and high unemployment rates, the average individual is being more cautious in their spending. As a result, the companies are still losing money and still begging the goverment for a bailout. The government gets its money from taxes. An individual pays more taxes when he is making money. As such when the labor force is depleted due to outsourcing the government loses money. So where do companies expect to get the money from these big bailouts?

Maybe they should outsource their bailout requests?

~~