Tear Shed

Lately, it seems like I spend more time crying than anything else. Right now I'm shaking and my chest aches. Sometimes I get so tired and I wonder why I keep trying. I wonder why I keep trying to hang on to something that time after time leaves me in tears. There's no simple answers or solutions.

Just me in tears.

~Posted From My BlackJack II

Nagging Thoughts

Something has been weighing heavy on my heart and in my mind. However, right now there is nothing that I can do about these matters. A heavy feeling on my chest pushes me to want to act, but there's nothing that can be done.

I only pray for a momentary peace from these thoughst. There is a long road ahead of me and I don't want to be hounded at this time.

~Posted From My BlackJack II

All Dressed Up

On my way to one of my REAL jobs!

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Midnight Stroll (and the things I saw)

It's been a crazy past couple of months, but these last few days I find it harder and harder to hold it together. Tonight for the second night in a row I had a mini-breakdown. The anxiety and feelings of failure were just too much to bare. As I sat alone my thoughts drifted to the ocean and the calm I usually feel staring at the water. Thats when I had this crazy idea of going for a walk.

At first it was just a fleeting thought. Like wouldn't it be great to just walk until I saw the water. The more that I thought about it the better it sounded. I mean I couldn't sleep and the ocean is only a couple of well lit blocks away. Why not?

So I threw on a sweatshirt and sneakers and headed out the door. Very well aware that it was closely approaching midnight. Just stepping outside made me feel 100 times better. Knowing that soon I'll reach the water allowed me to breathe a little better. Thoughts flow through my head and I'm in and out of prayer. Talking to God and asking for answers that I don't deserve...but He gives them.

...some of them.

As I walk I hear a voice. A very angry voice. I see a man sitting outside a church. He's on the sidewalk yelling at things the rest of us can't see. It's through this man that I begin to realize once again that I'm behaving like a spoiled child. I have so much yet, I want more. This isn't all that I see.

I pass an apartment complex with a balcony and an open sliding door. That's when I remember my early college-roommate days. At that moment I would have given anything to be back on fountain street with Johanna and Elicia; complaining about classes and homework. With this in mind I fast forward to the later years and the drama and heartache I survived. Did I not make it through it?

Then I walked on past the park and remembered my last birthday which made me smile. The thought of frozen yogurt and talking under the stars.

I continued to the bench and I remember 2 couples sitting by the water. The girls giggled at their inside jokes and the boys spoke of their dreams. It seemed like yesterday but was several months ago and also seems like a lifetime ago. The 2 couples have since drifted.

Once I pass a tree I have a epifany. I take things too personally. Clients yell at me, co-workers snap at me, family members are demanding, my boyfriend cancels plans and I feel like once I again I have failed them all. Knowing this doesn't make things better. I don't know how to change the way I feel in given situations. This is just something I'll have to work on in the future.

Sitting at the bench overlooks the water and the view is great. But this isn't enough. I can hear the waves but I want more. I soon find myself searching for a way to walk by the water. I get here, walk through the sand and listen to the ocean as I watch the waves slam against the shore. The tide is rolling in.

This is alot to take in at the moment. 5 crank phone calls received on my cell, my lack of inspiration, discovering the people I envied were never happy, realizing my strengths and my weaknesses. There are those who see me as pathetic and expendable and those who have revealed their secret admiration. I've come so far but I still have a ways to go. If the past is any indication of the future, then I will overcome these obstacles in time.

To those who have to deal with me, all I ask for now is patience and prayer. I'm getting where I need to be. It's just that right now the distance I must go is quite daunting.

To those who hate me and wish me failure. Thank you because you are making me that much stronger.

Now as I leave the ocean and head back up I'm thankful for this moment. I really needed it.

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Life Lessons From The Cosby Show II

Denise: I thought life was suppose to get easier as you got older.
Mom: I don't know why you thought that!

~Posted From My Black Jack II

Angry

Why is it that every weekend I have to go through such bs and such drama? I am so tired of dealing with this. I am so tired of having to second guess everything.

It all just makes me wonder if I'm making the right choice.

~Posted From My BlackJack II

Holding On

Shadow People
Originally uploaded by regismcourt

There are times when I wonder if I'm holding on to something that really isn't there.

If I have something that doesn't really belong to me.

These days are killer these instances are insane.

Should things really this hard, this complicated, and require this much patience on my part?

It's all I can do sometimes to not scream.

When I went into this, there was no way for me to know that things would be this hard.

Am I hanging onto something that isn't there?

Sometimes I think that I might have been like a starved person wandering around a desert. bMy thirst was so great that I started seeing things that really was not there.

But I always thought that in a mirage the water tasted sweeter than real water.

Then again this was really sweet too.

Maybe I'm awakening thanks to the taste of the sand.

Which leads me back to my original question...

Just what exactly am I holding ?