It is after 2 am and I know I should be sleeping. There is much to do in the morning. However, my mind will not let me rest. Will not let me sleep.
Lately my thoughts have been drifting back to Europe. A friend once told me she never understood this anxious need I have to travel until she heard the phrase wanderlust. She told me once it was explained to her, she immediately thought of me. Maybe deep in my bones is the need to wander. Yet, I have denied that need in exchange for the safety of a regular 9-5 and a paycheck that allows me to live in one of the most expensive states in the country.
That does not mean that I do not have daydreams of sipping café in Paris or munching on arranchini in Sicily. Much to the contrary, these thoughts are what often keep me awake at night. Should I make a daring move that may result in me living out my nomadic daydreams? How will I afford such a lifestyle?
All the while the days march into months, into years and now the countdown to another magical year that ends in zero and has many people asking me when I plan on "settling down" and "having children." I honestly do not have an answer. For I know that while this need to travel gnaws at my spirit, it will never be fair for me to bring a child into this world. Not until this urge subsides will I ever be truly ready to "settle down."
So, I must pray for guidance, inspiration or even courage to make a change that will allow me to be happy. Otherwise, I will continue to look back at these years with only sadness and regret.
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